Realization...

Carol is in the hospital again.
White cell count is almost zero.
They're saying the new chemo is  probably the cause,
so they'll adjust the dosage for the next time.
In the meantime, they've given her two broad-
spectrum antibiotics to get a handle on the infection
until the infectious disease guy gets a read on the
blood cultures and decides if she needs a more
specific antibiotic. 

I am a slow learner.

I wanted to have complete faith in the medical people.
Took me almost four years to realize that so much of
what they do is a crap shoot, a flip of the coin, even a
damned guessing game.

What they have to figure out now is how much to cut back
on one of the chemo drugs so that it doesn't knock out
her immune system again, yet still be strong enough to stop the
spread of the cancer. And, they'll be adding Neulasta(?) to
her regimen which is supposed to boost the immune system.
They keep saying if this cocktail doesn't work, there are
plenty more available to try. Try. We'll see. Try again.

She's been really tough through all this, so far.
I can see the worry in her face now.
Too many speed bumps lately. Too close together.

Humbly requesting more of your generous good thoughts,
good prayers, whatever you can spare.