Monday, February 12, 2007

Guess who?...

My name is Mike. Jean's husband.
Yeah, I know, she told you I'm dead.
I am.

I have no idea where I am, either.
It's all dark and quiet most of the time.
I catch a glimpse of something or someone else's
thought sometimes. But, mostly, it's just dark.
No feeling, either. No form or body.

Most of what I do hear is her whining. Stupid bitch.
Told her I didn't want to buy a house.
She had it good with me, you know. Satisfied her every time.
Never screwed around. Didn't go to bars.
Drank my cheap beer at home.
Even when she was fat, I told her it was OK.
I hated working, but who doesn't??
If I had only won the Lottery! That would have been perfect.

She didn't need to leave. I never hit her, but I thought about it
more than once, especially that last year before she moved out.
Damn her!

Really thought she would have hooked up with someone pretty
quick after I blew my brains out. Expected her to run home
to Ohio, too.

Don't think I was trying to do her a favor by checking out. Shit.
She ruined my life when she left!
I looked around for another broad for a while. Unfortunately,
the money Jean left ran out too quick. Then my truck took a dump
and I couldn't get to that lousy job.

Heh. She was stupid-stubborn about paying off all those bills.
Bankruptcy would have been easier. Or, just move the fuck away!
She went to college, you know. She could get a job anywhere.

I managed to see some of the funeral. The place was full!
I didn't know who most of those people were, though. Weird.
Not one relative of mine showed up.
Not even my own damn brother and sister.
After all I did for them. Fuck 'em.

Wonder what she's gonna think when she reads this?

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Bane said...

Damn fine work. Talk about stretching your wings. I bow to you.

Jean said...

That means a lot, Bane... more than I can say.

kdzu said...

More of the mystery revealed. Well expressed. Kudos

curmudgeon said...

Okay, the last post and this one are both great. Very - uh, what am I trying to say here. Lucid I guess.

No, I'm not saying YOU aren't lucid, it's more the lucidity on my part.
Awesome posts.

Jean said...

Larry - Sometimes the story needs to be revealed in pieces... and from more than one point of view.

Dave - thanks, I'm glad they make sense to you. Lucid is good :)

alan said...


Paul said...


Jean said...

Alan - thank you. Painful.

Paul - Very truthful representation.
Thanks for reading and commenting.

Anonymous said...


Not to detract from the gravity and integrity of this blog................but EVERY TIME!!!......WOW

Jean said...

Beansgal - took a while for this to come together. Wasn't easy.
Luv ya...:)

Grumpyunk said...

Hmmmmmmmm. I'm not sure what to say now.

Scott from Oregon said...


You know, it doesn't bother me like I think it should. I know two people who took their lives.

In both occasions, I sort of silently nodded an affirmative, completely understanding....

Face it. Life isn't cut out for everybody.

And life is a long slog.

Some people are meant for parts of life, but not all of life.

For whatever reason.

Chemical depression.

A lack of interanl joy...

A lack of interest in life...

The pain of knowing you screwed up your life...

If you look at life as a difficult endeavor at the best of times, it seems practical that some may want to "just give up" at some point.

Like the marathon runner who sits on mile 19...

Can we not applaud how far they actually got, and not focus on the fact that they did not finish?

Anonymous said...

Heavy duty, that. Excellent.

Jean said...

Unk - it's ok... thanks for reading.

Scott - Valid points well made. In this case, however, it is common for the surviving spouse/family member to feel a lot of guilt... as if I failed him. Intelectually, I know I did everything I could to enhance his life, and I know how talented and intelligent he was, and how many things he enjoyed... when he let himself. He had demons he could not avoid, let alone slay.
I hope he has some kind of peace, wherever he is.

Jim - Thank you, sir.

AspergantuS said...

I have very strong opinions and feelings about suicide, but I will not express them here. Most would think they are rude and crude... mostly because they are, but (and you knew it was coming) I will say this....
Michael, if you were anything like Jean described in this post... she's gonna think you were a dick.

That's all I got to say about that (in my best Forest Gump voice).

Jean said...

Mick - thank you for your continuing honesty. It is appreciated.

Anonymous said...

Powerful. I'm speechless.

Anonymous said...


Scott from Oregon said...

Sure Jean. I understand how "common" those feeling s are.

I also think you don't need to be common...

Jean said...

Jack (S. D.)- thank you, sir.

Scott - I accept his choice for himself. Cannot deny the impact that choice has on others. The best I can do is appreciate my life even more than I did before.

Anonymous said...

Dear Jean,

I really wanted to tell you that I am so content and happy now, you wouldn't know me if you saw me.

Afer the explosion I found myself nearing a gloden being of light theat came into focus as I got closer and I could see it was continually in motion within itself but not moving.

It was so peaceful as I approached, I had no fear and no worries about the bills I couldn't pay or the people I hurt or the love I had lost myself - I was just...I need a word here.....complete and perfect.

The love rolled over me and enfolded me. I was told without words how perfect I was and how glad the other was that I had come to join it.

My heart jumped to return that love and the being laughed with joy.

Now I have had time to get used to things here I wanted to tell you some things.

I knew I wasthe one who messed up my life. I couldn't face that. I know I blamed you and I blamed my family and I blamed anyone I could think of because I couldn't deal with the fact that I did such stupid and cruel things to myself and everyone I loved. It hurt too much.

When I was finally all alone and could find no one to turn to I turned the only place I could think of - death.

The joke is one me now. I'm not dead, I'm still me and still living, even though it's not like it was there. Things that seem so life and death there aren't even a blip on the radar here.

I am happy to be me now and happy to be hear and I want you to be happy too. I owe you that and more.

You worked so hard to teach me to love myself and showed me how you cared for me and others in our life - now I get it.

Forgive me for hurting you, woman. It was wrong of me and I am so very sorry.

I'll see you when you get here, I love you more now than ever and without all that jealousy and anger. I can't wait to show you the real me.

Have a good life, love the one's you're with and I am sorry, again, that I hurt you.


Anonymous said...


Damn woman! You never cease to move me. Tears were streaming down my face. Onions, maybe? Impeccable skill, perhaps. Lots of love to you...


Jean said...

Angel - if you'd like to boost your mood, scroll on down to "Good Parts..."
It's good to see you here again.

Anonymous - I'm not completely sure how to respond to you, but I will say your words made me cry about him for the first time in quite a while.

Erica said...

Holy blogroll me, and seconds later I find this post...I'm so blown away.

Ma'am...I don't know the backstory on this one (though I can venture a guess), but it was some seriously outstanding writing.

I am in awe.

Jean said...

Erica - I just this second came back from your blog... this is freaky, in a good way.
To get such a compliment from a writer such as yourself takes my breath away... thank you!

Erica said...

I am the one who is truly unworthy, as I am in awe of your writing.

Thank YOU x 100,000,000 (no backsies).


Jean said...

Erica - no backsies??.... damn... no fair! (still blushing).

Anonymous said...


I just wanted you to know he is ok.

What I wrote is a truth.


Jean said...

Val - it is beautiful... thank you, galfriend.

Anonymous said...

... wow.... it takes a lot of bravery to write about such things in such a way..... brilliant stuff, Jean...


Valerie - Still Riding Forward said...

you are always welcome

Jean said...

Eric - it was a long time coming.
Thank you, dear man.

Valerie - hugs to you.