Monday, November 24, 2008

Pencil-thin penis...

Sunday morning I headed west to meet a
friend at an outdoor art festival.

Around here, it's a good idea to stay alert for
critters that might wander from the woods to
the edge of the road. Deer, gators, bears and such.

The only deer I saw was a small white-tail lying
dead in the weeds. Poor thing.

The deep ditch was about half full of water but I
saw no signs of gators. This time.

I did see a wild turkey strutting his stuff but he was
heading back to the woods, so no worries there.

About a quarter mile past the turkey I spotted something.
It was an upside-down turtle, about the size of a big
salad bowl, and his stubby legs were spinning
like propellers.
He was trying to right himself but he had nothing to
brace against and all he was succeeding in doing was
miring himself deeper into the sand. He couldn't even
get a good rocking motion going to roll over.
That turtle was going to be stuck there, upside down
forever, unless someone flipped him over.

I hit my turn signal, eased off the pavement and stopped.

I'd had no prior dealings with big turtles. Well, except
for the time one dug under the fence and made a hole
about three feet deep in the front yard...but, that's another
story for another time, perhaps.

So... I got out of the car and walked slowly toward the
panicky reptilian critter... while keeping alert for snakes.
I hate snakes.

The turtle's head was pointed toward the edge of the road,
so I'm thinking that I should spin him around before I
roll him over so he doesn't trot onto the asphalt and
get splattered by the traffic zipping by at 60 mph.
That would suck. Especially for him.

How did I know the turtle was a him?

I was about six feet away when I saw his head and
all four feet disappear......ssshhhhwoooooppp.
Sucked 'em right into his shell. Gone.
And then, I saw it.

His skinny, pink penis was protruding from, well,
where most pink penises are expected to be
protruding from. (Looka dat. Did I manage to get a
dangling participle and a preposition on the end of
that sentence? Whatever. Could it be I just invented
the 'dangling penis-ciple' ?)

Now I am in a bit of a conundrum you see, because I
have nothing to touch him with. How am I going to
move him?

I'm not going to put my foot where his head can pop
out and clamp on my toe. That leaves the other end.
The dangling penis-ciple end.
OK, I think to myself, do it quickly.
Boomp! Spin. Dammit. Not enough.
Again. Boomp! Spin. Success!

Only now, the little pink penis is flapping back and
forth like a metronome. Flap Flap Flap Flap.
The bugger is waving at me.

I put my foot on the side of his shell and push to get
him rocking a bit. He's surprisingly heavy.
Rock Rock Rock, Push! Foomppp. It's done. Yay.
He just lays there on his belly. No head, no legs.
I wait.
I back up.
I back up farther.

Finally, the head and appendages begin to protrude.
He stands up, looks around a bit, and I cannot help
but notice... the penis-ciple is still dangling.
Dragging in the sand. He stops.
He stretches his hind legs to raise his back end and
the skinny pink penis slowwwwwwwly returns to its
hiding place. Then he ambles so very casually toward
the ditch.

That's it, fella. You are on your own.

I get back in my car and make my way to the art show.
It was a great art show.
Not one penis on display, however.


Anonymous said...

Hmm, weird, I know a man like that. Pencil thin penis, hard exterior, confused as hell and stuck and needing a woman's rescue.

Go figure.

Jean said...

LL, sounds like he hasn't evolved far from the big turtle. heh.

Joe said...

you even make turtles horny!

Freddie said...

Dangling penis-ciple or not (bwah!), sounds like it was his lucky day.

Loved this story, btw. :)

curmudgeon said...

You would think the shell would would be more protective of the most sensitive ... Gee whiz. It makes my privates squirm just thinking about what may have happened had a predator come along before you!

But I'm sure had you been unable to turn him over, you would have been kind enough to tuck Mr Happy back under cover, right? ;)

Corby said...

That is great, like a little pink handle!


Anonymous said...


That was hilarious....and so well told.
You probably didn't have to worry about getting bit. Most guys with hanging out will not bite a pretty girl. At least not unless you try to pick us up by it.
Just think, some girl turtle will have you to thank some day.

Joe said...

I bet the poor guy is soaking his brain cells in beer right now down at the turtle bar. No chicks will come near him, his tallywhacker has been exposed as pink and pencil thin throughout the blogisphere. All the girls know, and they are laughing.

I bet even the frogs are pointing.

Jean said... guys are great.
With all these comments, the right writer could make this into a series or a comic strip!

Freddie said...

Happy Thanksgiving Jean.

Anonymous said...

The funniest thing I've heard in years. Life is exciting down there, no? Better keep your eyes open Jeannie Girl, and have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Enigma said...

I am laughing so hard right now it isn't funny. Thanks for making me laugh tonight. Happy Thanksgiving!

AspergantuS said...

Now that's just funny as hell... a turtle with his hydraulics hanging out...

Irrelephant said...

You are such an angel for doing that! Especially when he was aroused state. *lol*

Anonymous said...

As usual you made my day! Was he wearing a black trench coat? You solved the mystery of the, "what made the center "plowed area" with feet prints on each side?" Another t-shirt idea?!

Jean said...

Ha... you all made MY day by getting a laugh out of this!

boneman said...

dang! You the hero!

Doom said...

Ha! How kind of you. And, of course, it must be nice to be 'noticed'. I sometimes think God leaves little tasks just for us. They gift us with some pleasure that just cannot be found in any other way. And, possibly, that turtle will speak your name when it is time... Or just perk up the pond on your grounds with his presence and kin.

I hope the festival was fun too. I can't help but thinking such a rescue could but surely put you into a state where the rest of the day must be good?

k said...


OMG. You actually made me really and truly LOL!!!

And Freddie, the first time I read your comment, I thought you wrote:

"sounds like it was his fucky day."

Jean, there are bits in there that sound custom-made for a permanent place in the lexicon.

Neuse River North Carolina said...

i can't imagine on how that looks like..