Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Guess Who, Again...

I am sick of this shit!

What about me?? I'm the one who died here!
Why is she getting all the fucking sympathy??
I'm the one who got screwed, not Jean!
She ruined my life!!
She had no right...click...BOOM!

well, isn't that interesting?
seems one version of hell would be
repeating our worst mistake.
over. and over. and over.

how d'ya like me now, motherfucker?
I'm still here. And I like it.

I win.

your used-to-be-wife


Anonymous said...

Well we all make our own choices, don't we? And those who aren't willing to do the WORK necessary to get better don't deserve any sympathy.

You chose your fate. STAY there.

She owes you nothing.

Anonymous said...

You DO win!

For him, it was always about HIM. You captured it perfectly. "I'm the one who died!" Yes, but BY HIS OWN HAND.

It's like my co-worker's(alcoholic) husband. One night he was drinking as usual, stayed up till 4 a.m., then rolled his uninsured (money for booze, not insurance payments) truck on the highway. He came through it with only a few bumps and bruises (drunks usually do) and then complained "Why do bad things always happen to ME?" because he could never see the connection between his actions and their consequences. And p.s., she's still with him.

I'm just sorry for the poop he spread into your life. Glad YOU survived.

Valerie - Still Riding Forward said...

You give me insights in your search for forgiveness.

I say again - the beautiful, loving spirit of him is alive and well. The pain is gone, the lessons absorbed and no blame is in him to put on you.

Having decided to suicide myself I know that it is not done lightly and it is not done for others. It is strictly between you and life.


Bane said...

Heh. Jean, remind me to not piss you off.

curmudgeon said...

Yeah, Mike. You're the one who died, you fucking pussy. Attention whore.

Couldn't handle it? Weren't up to the task? Took the easy way out instead of working at something to make both of your lives better?

Glad to hear it. The world has enough slackers without your sorry ass in it. Good riddance.

Jean said...

Freddie - I hope he heard you.

Sparrow - denial is one of their worst characteristics.
As far as the poop... hehe... it washes off...:)

Val - suicide blinds people to everything other than themselves.

Bane - I think you're safe...:)

Dave - that should make his butt-hole pucker!

kdzu said...

I must say, I laughed out loud at the first part. I mean "click.....Booom!

You have to wonder if between the boom and nothing there was even the tiniest bit of regret?

And darling, in no way is the laughter directed at you, but at the wry way you wrote it.

Anonymous said...

Lots of other things you can do to erase that ghost- or at least make his ectoplasmic rectum pucker. We spoke of some the other night.

Anonymous said...

My take on this... even the negative side of his spirit was sick of him, thus "click... boom".

I have to tell you, every time you channel him on your blog I get extremely angry. I have no idea what that's about. Not a clue. I'm just glad it's finally over for the both of you, because he always seem to make you pay for the misery that was his self-imposed life.

Glad you're finally physically free and your working on the freedom from emotional bondage.


Jean said...

Larry - I've often wondered the same thing about the possible, momentary regret.
No worries, dear, about the laughter being misdirected...:)

Og - This wasn't me pulling the trigger.
The 'other' things are on my list.
Well worth doing... thanks...:)

Michele - Many of my readers react with the anger you mention. Suicide causes lots of anger... trust me on that.

Full-On-Forward said...

Big Hug!!!!

Love ya,


AspergantuS said...

I have no words, other than I am so glad that you've had the strength to get through this and come out the side, so people like me could have you as a friend...

boneman said...

Yeah....and good-bye ain't fast enough fer the likes of him.

Then again, and despite my inane comments earlier....
is that how yer gonna end it?

I mean, sure, screw him! Well, not really screw him. THAT would be gross!
I mean, major eeeeewwwww!

But, leave it behind you now.
Never look back and never regret what you knew.

As for slight freudian slips, though....
you signed off with a connector, if y'can believe that.

"your used-to-be-wife" translates plainly as you are his, still.

(dang that english language!)

k said...


take THAT, Michael. you creep.

Yup. Jean. You win.


Jean said...

Thanks, John.

Mick - for a friend like you, I'm glad I'm still here.

Berry - there will be more written.
That 'connector'... dammit, not what I meant.

k - I hope to finish this soon.

Rantin' Ron said...

Hey darlin'...well, I finally read all four installments of the Michael horror story and I feel as though I lived through it myself. Even though it only took me ten minutes to read it....I can FEEL how long it took to live through it.

All I can say is that you have nothing to feel guilty about. No reason to grieve.

I feel bad about what you went through with Michael.

Just imagine how different your life would have been if that sorry prick would have pulled the trigger BEFORE you ever met him.

At least that way he could have done SOMETHING productive with his sad life.

Nothing you might have done could have saved him from the demons he carried inside him. It's sad but....there are lost souls in this world and he was one of them. You simply had the misfortune of marrying him.

Don't let him steal your soul or your joy of life.

It's over, he's gone, you're still here and I'm damned glad you are.

Jean said...

Ron - Feeling bad is done... grieving is done. I'm glad I'm here, too. Thank you for being here.

Anonymous said...

Whoo hooo Jean! You rock. Seriously.

Neoma said...

jean I hesitate to write this, probably treading on waters that I shouldn't, but are you feeling guilty deep down or something, you have mentioned this before on your blog, and I would think he has been given far more time, and energy than he rightly deserves. Suicides are only one person's fault, the one who does the deed. NO one is responsible for someone else commiting suicide, sorry, I just don't feel you should give him any more of your time.

Heck, I have ruined three or four men's lives, but none of them commited suicide, a couple might have wanted to commit murder...haha

Sorry, I suppose I don't know what it feels like, but then I know myself, and I would NOT waste my time looking back.

Jean said...

Kim - heh. thanks.

Nea - I appreciate your concern, really.
My guilt took a long time to deal with, but that has not been an issue for me in a while. What took longer for me to let go of, was the anger. That's what I'm finally doing here... purging, releasing.
I'm glad to say, it's working very well. I haven't felt this peaceful in a longgggg time.

Neoma said...

ah, yes, I understand......