Poem............

I owe no explanation of myself.
I do not owe defense
For who I am
For what I do
For why I think the way I do.
I am the way I am.
I think like me
I talk like me
I act the way I do
Because, I found, denying me
Betrays my heart, my breath.

Sleepless in Daytona.......

I understand the need the human body has for regular, peaceful sleep............ so, why doesn't my body cooperate?............ I have tried pills, meditation, relaxation tapes, no caffeine........ etc...... etc
.........etc ............Sometimes something works for a while............... but I have yet to find the magic,
reliable formula............ And then, of course, the anticipation as bedtime approaches probably doesn't work in my favor............. hmmmmm....... There is one thing I have not been able to try....
.......... sex........... I vaguely remember how good that felt...... and how the deep and peaceful sleep that followed seemed to be the perfect ending..........sweet memories.......distant memories
...No, this isn't loneliness......... this is a serious hormone imbalance!........ based on deprivation...... I saw a screen name in a chat room once... "Lakanookie"............ wonder if that was a pitiful plea for sleep? ............or just a pitiful plea for attention?........... and Please, if anyone reads this and thinks I am pleading and is tempted to respond with an offer........... do not......... Remember, I am simply pondering here .............sorting out thoughts .........Kind of like doing a disk clean-up and then defragmenting...... Ah, yes............. I am fragmented........ scattered......... not compacted.
Instead of functioning efficiently.......... I am being disconnected ....... booted.

Overload........

In my recent state of desperation to resolve the inner conflicts created by myself..... I have once again overwhelmed myself.............. In contradiction to the theme of my last entry in this journal
............I caught myself reaching towards multiple avenues........... hoping to find one solution that will fit me............ one answer, one light, one relief.............. I have complicated simplicity.
I found myself skimming the surface in order to glimpse and grab.......... leaving no time for absorption.... digestion......... much less understanding and resolution...........
Balance and peace are already within me.............. My error is, perhaps, in attempting to force the awareness........... instead of allowing my awareness to accept their rise to the surface.
Instead of clutching.......... which restricts, smothers and rejects.......... release, open and allow the flow to buoy me......... carry me along with it............. Merge with life....... rejoin the whole......
See myself as one grain of sand on the beach......... instead of a solitary mini-universe.
Not just reconnect............... rejoin.

the Compass, not the Clock......

Direction..........not speed.......... so, what is wrong with plodding, as long as you are making progress?........... not a damn thing, say I!......... we have become so immersed in things happening in .........the speed of light.........speed of sound......
a nanosecond ...........instant gratification.......And then what?... collapse?
Our body...........our soul..........our whole being ......deserves calm attention.........
thoughtfulness...... and more attention... So, when I am told by some alleged professionals in the field that every episode of depression.......... is worse than the last ..........and if I don't take their advice and "fix" myself according to their directions.......... my life will be doomed................I say, among other things, "Bah Humbug!" ...........Here is what I think about me and my "situation"............ I think
that every episode is a healing step forward ...and not a relapse backward........ I am believing that my spirit is letting me know it is time to do more work on myself.....and I see that as a good thing because ....it means that I am healthy enough to continue this journey.........It means that I am strong enough to face
another challenge .......that I will conquer, endure and transcend........... I am going to stop fighting against myself because........... that is a step in recognizing myself as I am now............ and that is the opportunity to discover and appreciate what and who I already am........... and recognize how far I have come....... and be happy with myself for that much............and happier, still, to know that I can move even farther along MY path.........

The Halifax............

Went to the river this evening....hoping to repeat the tranquility found at the ocean............it isn't the same .....too much human stuff intrudes..............glaring lights lining the bridge above and the fishing piers below the bridge intrude on the peaceful evening........... traffic noise, loud music and planes make it difficult to hear the river flowing............. I followed a wooden walkway to a gazebo
several feet above the water............That put my back to most of the lights and softened the view............ The constant, repeated rippling on the surface of the river was akin to the soft rocking/floating you could feel lying in a porch swing............. It is a longer drive to the ocean and its beach............ but the rewards to the soul make it worth the trip.