Dear Emily...

 

I had something
very different
original and
very angry
ready to
post but I
chickened out
for the moment.

It only hurts when I...

laugh, stand up, sit down, lay down, get up,
cough and gawdforbid sneeze.

Home from the hospital on Saturday.
Progress is never fast enough, is it?
They're telling me 3-4 weeks before I'll be
approaching normal. Such is life.

I'm more worried about Carol. She's been
in the hospital since Nov. 30, initially for a 
severe UTI. They took care of that but have
been struggling with clearing pneumonia.
She had one chemo treatment but of course
that is all on hold for who knows how long. 

They put her on 24/7 oxygen as of today and
visitors have to wear masks. They don't seem 
to have answers just trial and error and wait
and see what happens.

Ann is still being the one who takes care of us.
At least being home now I can deal with bills. 

 edit: I am an airhead.
Forgot to mention the reason I was in the hospital this time
was for the ostomy reversal surgery. No more bag!

Here's the scoop, boys and girls...

Sister Ann is waiting for an MRI to make sure the big blob
in her sinuses isn't making a return.
She's been taking on a lot of responsibilities to make up for
Carol and I being restricted duds lately. Bless her heart.
I don't know what we would do without her.

Carol has started her new chemo treatment routines to
deal with the tumor in her lung (metastacized  from her colon.)
They put a port in her chest last week. When she goes for
treatment chemo gets run through the port, plus they attach
a pump to the port to dose her with even more meds. Five
drugs in all. The procedure takes about three hours and she
has to come home with the pump. We take her back after two
days to have the pump disconnected and the port flushed.
Repeat every two weeks.
So far the side effects are minimal. The big thing for right now
is that she is sleeping a lot. Supposedly that will taper off in time
and her energy level will get better. I hope so and so does she.
As of right now her treatments are scheduled through April.

As for me... I'm scheduled for reversal surgery December 2.
One day short of three months since the emergency surgery
and attaching the ostomy bag. I am a happy camper.
Now all I need to do is figure out how to prevent this cluster-fuck
from ever happening again. 
If all goes well after surgery (meaning the bowels go back to
working the way they're supposed to) I should get to come home
about three days later.

Keep your fingers and toes crossed for all three of us, please. 

Thanksgiving...

 

Sometimes easier said than done...

 

Georgia O'Keefe - orchid 1941

 

An assortment of cute...

 

Veteran's Day...

 

I have lots to say...

 I just don't feel like saying it yet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome November...

 

Whaddya mean the candy's gone??...

 

I need to downshift my brain and re-engage creativity gear...

 

Found this at 
Large Regular.

neither here nor there...

I have a bone
to pick with you.
I heard you died.
You shoulda called.
I woulda been there.
I woulda told you
again
how much I love you.
I woulda asked
again
how much do you love me.
we knew
we know
the answers.
It woulda been nice
to hear it
again.
I missed your leaving.
Please don't do it
again.

knock-knock...

 

Repeat until you believe it...

 

Wouldn't it be nice...

 if life was still like this?

Be aware, be awake...

 

yes it is...

Sanity 
is temporary.

Finally home...

Admitted to the hospital Sept. 2. Emergency surgery Sept. 3.
Ruptured colon.

I have a lot of catching up to do so this will be brief.
Almost two weeks in, came home Friday past.
Pain has let up considerably.
Blessed with great doctors and nurses.

I have an ostomy bag which we learned about when Carol
had colon cancer. Hoping I can get rid of the bag in
3-6 months.
Diet is low fiber soft foods for a couple months.

The worst that happened was the phone call this morning
from Florida. My friend Jan lost her hard struggle with
lung cancer this morning. Her pain and suffering is over.

 

Hope all of you are well. I've missed you. 

 

This will have to do for now...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm dealing
with diverticulitis.
Not fun.
I'll be back
when I feel better.

Makes sense to me...

 

tête-à-tête...

It used to be
-no it wasn't-
what we wanted it to be
-never had a chance-
seemed a perfect match
-doomed from the start-
it's fine
-never mind-
'til we meet again
-wipe your tears-

taken away by a Storm...

There is only one first time.

Mine was in college when I was 21.

It began at a frat party. No doubt drinking was involved.
Back then I was an even cheaper drunk than I am now.
One bottle of Stroh's got me a nice buzz.  Second bottle
got me drunk-ish. If there was a third bottle, I needed help
getting back to my dorm room to find the bathroom.
'Cuz I was gonna puke.

aaanyway...lots of the details are missing from memory but
here is the gist:

Somehow, he and I ended up at his apartment off-campus.
Foreplay? What's that?
I don't remember clothes coming off but they did, somehow.
I honestly had no idea what was going to happen.

It happened quickly. It was disappointing because the only thing
I felt was a sharp pain. Cherry popped.
When he was done he said, "You are taking the pill, right?"
When I stuttered, "uh, no." His eyes got very large and he said,
"I'll walk you back to your dorm."
I had trouble keeping up because he was walking so fast.
I never saw him again.

The next "encounter" I had was much nicer. That man knew what
he was doing and helped me learn the right way. Believe it or not,
the nice man and I are still friends 50+ years later.

To Storm Murray, if you're still out there, I hope you got better with practice.

I know I did.
 

The end...

How many marbles
are we supposed to have?
A handful?
A headful?
A mouthful?
I can't find mine.
Anywhere.
Not in the closet.
Not under the bed.
Not out on the sidewalk
where I played with them last.
Did they roll away
or did you hide them?
It's your fault
I lost them.
It's your fault
I'm sad.
You don't have to admit it.
I know what I know.
Playtime is over.
You need to go.

Mischief and a good story (or two)...

 

Oh, woe is me...

 

I've lost mine.

Conundrum...

           we die
           by living.
           if we
           didn't live
           we couldn't
           die.

            to be
 or not to be.  

             that is the question. 

Must be nice to have a green thumb...

 

Not that it would do any good...

 

The muse has disappeared...

I know, that's a shitty excuse but it's all
I've got at the moment.

You could go read Og's new Substack thingie:
VaultkeeperChronicles.

I'm so out of it I can't even get the link thing to work.  
I give up. Tohellwithitall.

What, me worry?...

 Good and not so...

Ann is good. Getting her energy back and her taste buds are
beginning to wake up.

Carol is facing more challenges.
The tumor on her lung is growing. Doubled in size in three 
months.  So...it seems none of the options are particularly good. 
There will be a consult with a surgeon but she is still considered
high risk with anesthesia because of her lung function. After
all the years of different chemo drugs, they have taken a toll.
Radiation is another option except... if it's too intense and/or
hits too much of the lung it could do more damage. Consult
with her radiation oncologist is scheduled.
Third option is more chemo. The last treatment almost killed
her so obviously they will need to find something else.

She's getting physical therapy twice a week to build up
her strength. Whether that makes a difference in her choice
of options remains to be seen. One of few things that can't hurt.
Good news was that all the many scans that were done did not
show any cancer anywhere other than the lung. They do want a
mammogram done, just in case.

Decisions need to be made sooner rather than later. 

 

What are you looking at? 3...

 

        
          I can see every
   leaf on every tree across
        the way. But I can't
           see tomorrow.

What are you looking at? 2...

           

                                                                                                       

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                    God and I
               don't always see   
                    eye to eye.

 

What are you looking at?...

 

         

             there should be
                   a poem
                      here
                         .

It's too hot to move...

 almost too hot to breathe.

C'mon Mother Nature, send us some relief.

 

Ain't nobody gonna care...

 

No matter what...

 

reflection...(a re-post from 12-27-2010)

 All I see is ugly
    in the mirror
         now.

but what I remember
       was so different
          then.

if it's unimportant
    tell me why the mirror
          cries.   

For all those lost, hurting and in need...

 

A pair of fancy birds...

 

How does
something
so beautiful
happen?

It's still July...

 

I wish this
was the only
excuse Cleveland
has for its'
mega-slump.

 

Ho-Hum it's July...

J'ever notice how that happens right after June runs out of days?
Every year, without fail. Wonders never cease I tell ya.

So. Howya been? That good, eh? I'm happy for you. Really.

We've been busy around here lately.
I got my eyeballs done. One last Thursday and the other 
this Monday. I am amazed at how quick and easy it turned
out to be. Even just the day after I was already seeing a
big difference in my vision. And how much more colorful
and brighter everything is. I still need readers for close-up
but I can deal with that easily. Glad it's done.
The only bad part is having to pay almost 5 grand out of pocket.

Ann has around 7 more radiation treatments to finish.
So far the only side effects are being tired after each one and
everything she eats tastes like metal or nothing at all. 

Carol had a CT scan and it showed the spot on her lung is
slightly larger than it was when they hit it with radiation.
Now they'll do an MRI and a PET scan to determine if the
cancer is truly growing or what they saw is inflammation from
the radiation. If it's growing, of course, she'll be looking at
more treatments. After all these years, it's wearing on her.
She won't give up but...it's difficult.

Ah Hell, that's enough about us.
Let me leave you with something pretty to look at and maybe
a hug and a peck on the cheek. Take care of yourselves...

 

 

Self explanatory...

 

I understand...

or do I?
you're not the first
who wants me
to stay hidden
in the shadows
only come when called
but don't call you.
If what you
already have
is so good
why am I here?
What's really missing from
where you are?
Think about it
and let me know
the next time you call.

Yoga frog meditation...

 

Fred, where are you?

It's too hot for fun...

 Hopefully, mid-week will be tolerable. In the 80s instead of the 90s.

Ann has had ten radiation treatments so far. Another 10-15 to go.
She'll probably re-schedule at least two maybe four.
She's my driver to get me to cataract surgery and back home, 
plus the follow-up appointments the day after.
This Thursday is for the right eye then next Monday they'll
do the left eye. I want it done. I want to see better.

I met the surgeon. I like him a lot. We hit it off really well.
He's confident but not cocky. Also is the owner of the clinic.
Thirty or forty years of experience. 

Tomorrow I take Carol for her CT scan. She doesn't drive
anymore. Hopefully, they will not see anything concerning.

Gonna be a busy couple of weeks.
Such is life for old folks, eh?

Jack Kerouac (poem)...

I don't want a job,
a mortgage, or weekend plans.

I want moonlight on my face,
a road with no end,

and a silence that understands me.

(found at urgetocreate.tumbler.com)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

holy shit
what a good
lookin' man. 

Illusion...

 

"The Boy, the mole, the fox and the Horse"
Charlie Mackesy

 

a re-post from 2009...

 

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

I should be ashamed...

I should be ashamed
having read so little
of so few poets
and nothing at all
of so many more.
they've spent their lives
writing words just for
the likes of me
and I barely know
but a few.
I should be ashamed
to do what I do like
I'm the only one
who has ever done it
when it's mostly been done
already and better and oftener before.
I should be ashamed
and burn my notebooks and
break my pencils and read
what's already been written and
what's being written now.
But I am reading what's being
written now this minute by me
and some others here and
there when I can and
when I want.
I should be ashamed
of thinking about quitting.
someone somewhere might
someday read what
I wrote yesterday or today
and think about writing
what they have to say
in their own way
and another link gets
added to the chain and
another chapter is added
to the story.
I should be ashamed
for doing so little.
But I'm not.


(after reading some Lawrence Ferlinghetti)

Brian Wilson r.i.p.

 

A kind of deja vu...

I think of you
the way you were
then
and when I see
you now
it's you
all over again.

Good Karma...

 

Added to my reading list...

 

Carson McCullers

Loretta Swit r.i.p. ...

 

Shoulda...

In the end
you will say
I wish I had
I wish we had
but it will be
too little
too late.
and too sad.

Concentric illusion...

 

Memorial Day...

 

Probably speaking from experience...

 Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk.
That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

-Ernest Hemingway 

Don't wait...