Thursday, May 20, 2010

the drain that is my brain...

I have accepted the crapfact that depression
will never leave me alone. It is part of me.
damn you old black dog
wearing me out and down like
river rubbed canyon
There is nothing to be done about it except
endure. Over and over and over again.
tomorrow looks less
than worthy after today's
vain forward struggle
Pep-talks from well meaning friends don't help.
come along, you say.
you know precisely my need.
arrogant bastard
It makes it very difficult to be nice so I often hide.
it's worse somewhere else
for many someone elses.
today I don't care.
It turns me into someone I don't like at all and I can't help it.
do you doubt despair
can twist the heart, wring the soul,
blind all hope? You fool.
It sneaks up and every time I ask why.
you think you know
the reason, the answer, the
why. until this now.
I've read a gazillion books and been to therapy.
of all the pretty words ends
in ugly dry heaves
Remember the time I went to a shooting range and
enjoyed shooting and did very well? Did anyone
think it strange that I did not buy a gun?
it is not so hard
to understand that there are
some who will resign
It feels like living in hell and a glorious relief
when it subsides.
to wax poetic
do you mind much when I swear?
tough shit if you do.


Fred said...

I won't try a pep talk.

But I do care. And I'll pray for you, dear woman.

Jean said...

Thank you, my sweet friend. It takes time but this episode is fading already.

boneman said...

well, a very strong post. Full of emotion, feeling.

You make it true what Susan Shaughnessy says...write about you.
Write what you're feeling. Don't use it as an excuse to sit down, give up,
curl up...

Fight it back.
And you sure did!

Jean said...

thanks, honey.

Jean said...

FYI...the last haiku was supposed to bring a chuckle to the end of the dismalness.


Susie Hemingway said...

This is a difficult and distressing subject handled so well and clearly in your clever words.
Like Winston Churchill whose 'black dog' often sat on his shoulder, these feeling come like waves and I do hope yours are ebbing now.
All very best wishes XOXO

Jean said...

Thank you, Susie. Years of experience gives me a bit of an edge on the topic.
And, yes thank you, I am doing better. :-) Onward!

♫NWM♫ said...

Please don't swear...

It sounds like hell and doesn't do a dammed thing for you...

Do years of experience help you defeat the depression bastard?

The next time you feel it coming on... give me a call.

We can have a session
of totally dual depression
and come to a consession
that inside our own reflection
we find the root of our infection...

yeah right...

or we could just shoot the shit down at the Shack...

Anonymous said...

We must be on similar cycles. I've been a major @$$hole to people this week.

Jean said...

NWM- I've noticed that it isn't lasting as long as it used to. Couple/three days and it starts to fade. At its worst, it would last for weeks at a time.

Mark- full moon coming next week. I believe there might be a connection but I sure can't explain why.

J Cosmo Newbery said...

It it helps, swear! Stand on the roof and shout obscenities at the universe, if it helps.

Jean said...

Mr. N- sometimes, it does help.

kdzu said...

Cuss all you want
if leave you alone
the dog won't

Scruuem, say I
Why, oh why
will he not die

t'will soon be o're
when we pass thru the door
and answer the mystery
beyond the sky.

Trite beyond words to say "I know how you feel", when it's only how I feel that I know. But my prayers go up and hopefully the angels hear and relate the painful need to the big guy for you.

Bou said...

I don't understand people who think they can pep talk someone who suffers from depression. Would they think they could pep talk someone out of diabetes? They are both clinical issues... neither is solved just by 'wishing one's way out of it'. Quite frankly, people who think that piss me off.

There is a columnist in our newspaper that writes an article on depression. I need to find it... I read it every chance I get. It's a look into a world I would hate to live in, but I think it gives me a better understanding of those I know that have it, although I know I will NEVER fully understand. To fully get it means you have worn those shoes. Anyway, I will try to find it, not because you need it or that it will help, it won't, but just to show you... you aren't alone. I like the fact that you, like she, are so open about it.

Jean said...

Larry, I know you do relate and your understanding is appreciated. This is not a choice we make. Thank goodness it isn't 24/7 for me as it is for some. Thank you for your prayers.

Bou, I'd love to read what she has to say.
Many people think depression is more like a spoiled brat looking for attention. Unfortunately, some people claim depression for that reason. Too many doctors are also too willing to prescribe meds without sending the patient to a reputable diagnostician.
I denied the label for myself for a long time. I was embarrassed and angry... saw it as a weakness in myself.

I don't take meds any more since I lost insurance/job. I've surprised myself with how well I maintain without meds. All in all, we have to be responsible for educating ourselves about any condition we have. Hopefully, I'll never be in dire need of meds again.

Bou said...

Found it!

I can't remember if she's on meds now or not. She has done times of both. But she did hit a really really bad patch about two years ago, from what I've read, and it sounded like she may have had to go that route again.

Jean said...

thanks, Bou!