Thursday, July 26, 2007

Yet another good-bye...

The tiny kitten decided he was going to live here.
No matter that we had decided that we had more
than enough pets. No matter that we were still
mourning the recent loss of one of our favorites
after a long battle with cancer.

The tiny kitten had made up his mind. He was staying.
I named him Bubba.

That was Thanksgiving weekend 1994.

He turned out to be a Maine Coon and grew to weigh
more than fifteen pounds. A giant, fuzzy, loving and
loveable, sweet, adorable, constantly purring cat.

This Monday evening I buried him under the rose bushes
beside the others. Too many others.
I've been trying to write something about him all week.

This house is full of death.
Paint, repairs and new furnishings would be no more
than cheap make-up on an ugly woman. Still ugly.
I hate it here.

Now, can someone tell me why I have not cried for Bubba?

24 comments:

kdzu said...

Sorry about Bubba darling. Always hard to lose a companion. We grieve in different ways, and tears may come or not, but the memories will always be there. Our tears after all are not for the dead, but for us.
Your house may bring up memories of things you'd rather not think about, but, is still infused with your light, whether you choose to see it or not. Hang in there. Let me know if I can help in any way. LOL

Erica said...

Losing a cat/dog/pet/faithful companion: About the saddest thing that we could go through, as human beings.

And yet, still, fully understanding the inevitable heartache that comes years down the road, we have pets nonetheless. I'm so guilty of this myself.

Not sure why you haven't cried. Maybe you're the type to bottle stuff in, until you're ready to let it out?

Bubba...it's a good name.

hoosierboy said...

sorry for your loss

Enemy of the Republic said...

I've been there with this. I know.

Snog Dot said...

Damn, Jean, I'm sorry.

Freddie said...

Sorry about your kitty Jean.

curmudgeon said...

Damn Jean! Even though you know my opinion of cats, I know some people love the hell out of them. And, well, a longtime pet is a longtime pet. Sorry.

Why you haven't cried? Good question. But I'm guessing you eventually will.

Anyway...I have bestowed this prestigious award on you.
Do what you will.

Blaez said...

hey honey *hugs*

i swear up and down i'll never get another pet, that my Drake is the lastone since Mysterious passed away last year.

I'm sorry to hear your Bubba went to kitty heaven.

Your tears will come, just might not be immediatly. they always do. just know i'm here to help dry them.

Corby said...

I am so sorry to hear about Bubba, I love animals as you know and am blessed with a few close companions.
Take care of yourself,

-Corby

boneman said...

sorry, gal.

Maybe he'll go visit with Oscar.

she said...

jean when i lost eva my lab of sixteen years i didnt cry right then...many times before that day and many times since then. i had been seeing it coming a long time out. i wrote a post about losing her a year before we put her down. anyway i couldnt have loved anything or anyone more. but on that day i was the administrator of the hard task and was all about reassuring my pet holding her and whispering into her ear until the killing shot made her go the limpest limp i ever felt.

i dont know why you didnt cry but i know why i didnt i can only hope in some way this helps.
i am so so sorry jean.

but im actually more struck by the last paragraph about the house...which is devastating. can you move? that is no way to feel about home.

be good to yourself girl

Kim said...

This seems to be the week for friends losing pets. Two doggies at work.
I think crying isn't automatic. You've had other stuff happen and it's another loss. It's like, give me a f*'en break maybe?
The tears will come, because sometimes pet loss makes it easier to cry at some point.
You just need time to process it. That sounds so clinical and I don't mean it to.
I'm so sorry about your puss.
We have a 16 1/2 year old cat and 12 1/2 year old dog, so at some point we'll be there. Again.
Hugs.

Jean said...

Larry - yes, the tears would be for me. Maybe I don't feel that I deserve them yet.
You make my house brighter every time you visit here.

Erica - losing so many of my loved companions recently... I don't know. So very tired right now.
Was going to use his name in the title of this post, but thought of you and your Bubba. Couldn't do it.

Thank you, HB.

EotR - very difficult, as you know.

Thank you, Jack and Freddie.

Thanks, Dave. Means a lot, especially from you :)
...and, my first blog award! Now, I need to figure out how to load the banner somewhere on here...yikes!

Blaez - I know what you mean. I have one pet left (Putz) that I got around Thanksgiving, after Corky died, just to keep Bubba company. Not sure that was the best idea.

Corby - thank you, dear. Good luck with the art show!

Berry - thanks, sweet man. Oscar is a cutie, isn't he?

she - I've spent more than one of those days in the vet's office too. None of it is easy.
As far as the house... given the housing market, job market and my age... moving would be a huge task and a risk. Not sure what I will end up doing.

You always help. Thank you.

Kim - yeah, you understand. "give me a f'en break" is very much part of it.
I know death is part of life, but crikey. Maybe in my next life, I'll space out their ages a little better. As if that would work!
Thanks for the hugs.
Enjoy yours while you have 'em.

Desert Cat said...

Ow. ow.

I have a Maine Coon. They are such fantastic cats. What a loss...

You're numb baby. Numb doesn't let you feel anything. Sometimes numb is a blessing, a momentary grace for the moment, to get you by.

But you can't stay at numb. When the tears come, you gotta let 'em run. Then go back to living.

Maybe it's time to paint, repair, then sell? Time to get away from it all? Flush the last of it. Exorcise the ghosts. Start new in a new place. Heck with the market. You're in no hurry. Put it up and wait. Even if you have to drop the price, I'll bet you have enough equity to come out plenty ahead. And when you're ready to buy--when you have a solid offer on your house in contingency--you'll be in a buyer's market and can dictate just what you want when you buy your new place.

Jean said...

D.C. - Maine Coons are the best, sweetest...
It is numb. Inside and out. I know I'll get through it, of course. It's just that "in the meantime" stuff. Hopefully, the tears will be in private.
A new place, a fresh start... maybe.

k said...

Ohhh, Jean. I just found out.

I'm so sorry.

Too much loss too close together. Sometimes numb is a good thing for a while.

You're going through changes here, so much in the last year. I think things will be more clear for you a little down the road.

For now, perhaps, what's needed the most is just to absorb what's been happening in your life, your heart, your mind. Absorb it, let the feelings sort themselves out as they come.

Jean said...

k - thanks. You know the saying, "Shot at and missed, shit on and hit."? That pretty much covers it.
And work has been sucky too (new owners).

Scott from Oregon said...

I'm sorry sweetie.

Cry yourself a river. You'll feel better.

Jean said...

Scott - thank you, dear. I'm trying. Hasn't happened yet.

og said...

Sorry for your loss.


Don't despair of the house. Paint will not cover your own dismay, you have to change that yourself- then the humblest trailer is a palace.

Sparrow said...

So sorry, Jean. It's the tragic catch in loving an animal -- they just don't live long enough except maybe for elephants, and they just aren't practical to have around the house.

Jean said...

Thanks, Og. Trying to work on it.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed.

Sparrow - heh...... can you imagine the size of the LITTER BOX???

AspergantuS said...

Dam Jean...sorry about Bubba.

When you least expect it, the tears will flow.

Jean said...

Thank you, Mick. Still corked.

Welcome back from the left coast!