A.
I do not have you
anymore.
not slipped away
just stopped.
the same to say
you neverwere.
no fragments to
undeja vu.
and that becomes
you cannotbe.
so not unlike
hasneverbeen.
becomes again
willneverbe.
B.
there's noonehere
anymore.
not slipped away
just stopped.
the same to say
it neverwas.
no fragments to
undeja vu.
and that becomes
it cannotbe.
so not unlike
hasneverbeen.
becomes again
willneverbe.
note: Do you prefer A or B, and why?
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March 2007 - November 6, 2012
My musings.........my thoughts.........my self
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Sparky
March 2007 - November 6, 2012
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21 comments:
love them both...some of your finest stuff, ever...but if i had to go with one, i'd say "a", because it alludes to a someone....more personal...rather than a nebulous "noone."
jeanie...just beautiful stuff. really struck a chord.
[sorry 'bout the lowercase; too lazy to bother with the caps]
Oh Jean, just lovely! It should be set to music.
The lilt and run of "A" seems to suit my internal ear. And as Erica says, more personal.
More, please! Faster!
I choose C, because it's the vitamin that helps you to not get the common cold. However, type O is the universal blood that can be donatated to anyone. So either C or O...
Thank you, dear Erica, really.
Sorry you are feeling bummed today :(
Joan - wow. From a musician, that's really flattering. Thank you.
Mick - you are such a fountain of information!
A I don't know why.
William, sometimes we don't need a reason :)
Well I was going to say B, because somehow it flows better, and the use of third person makes the later "neverwas" and "hasneverbeen" fit better. If you're speaking directly to a person as if they "is", it is less convincing to say they "neverwere".
B. . "no one here". . because A. implies losing another person. . in B. . you could have also lost yourself.
Jean,they are both beautiful, echoes of your post on December 16,rules of engagement. Reminds me so very much of my love for someone that could neverbe (it was not returned) and I have nothing to show that what we did have was everthere, apart from my broken heart & tears.
Dianne
I was taking my time with this one. I needed to read them in several personal... moods, or ways, to get my bearings. Well, as good as I can do, 'A' gets the nod.
As to why, that is technical and I may not have the exact words to describe the reason. 'A' has a flow and a rightness to it, in a literary fashion, which seems much more smooth and somehow more correct. I cannot tell you exactly what I do not like about 'B', but something seems off. It happens early in 'B', whatever it is, but seems to carry throughout. I have seen it building, my choice. But it is a bit early, this morning, so that though I finally see enough to choose, the exact fine nuance in the difference escapes precise identification. I will continue to look, but no guarantees. I will say, however, that what I reject regarding 'B' is something others seek in an artistic way. It is me liking click, them liking clack. I understand that, and it has always sort of bothered me. Making me wonder if something is wrong or incomplete in my tastes, or vice versa, to perhaps finally some ease in noting that there is NO accounting for taste (especially other people's, when it is poor especially :), a blind tease mind you).
Anyway, because of that last bit, I think they are both excellent, but my preference is strong so I enjoy one and do not enjoy the other personally, in spite of seeing it's variant quality. Remember, I am no literary agent, I am not an English major, and I have only my own tastes and some little less than stellar knowledge of poetry, prose being my only real one time literary love. Hope it helps.
Oh, and very good work. Really, nice going. It is amazing that you could put one of these out. That you can offer two tastes with such disparate reactions over the same ground is... very good, impressive. imho
I like B better. It inspired me to write my own original poem:
I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,
Half sunk, a shatter'd visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamp'd on these lifeless things,
The hand that mock'd them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains: round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away.
B.
First... I have to thank Lin for sending me here. Her taste is impeccable, and she says time spent here is well spent. She's right again....
To your question... B.
I like them both....as poetry... for the emotions they evoke in some strength. I don't go out of my way looking for ways to feel alone... life presents enough of those.
But these.... read well and speak to many times of my life.
I choose B, because after reading both aloud several times, it's B that falls into synch, like music, in my mind.
Hard choice.... I like both.
You write very, very well.
My goodness. I appreciate all of your input! I can't tell you how much it pleases me when you good folks interpret my words the way they were intended.
Although, I've been pleasantly surprised, more than once, when someone saw something I missed in what I wrote.
One or two words changed within a cluster can take an idea in another direction, which is what happened with these.
Thank you, again, for your time and thought.
.....and, welcome Diane and Carteach0? !
Troll - thank you for your beautiful poem here. I hope you post it to share with others : )
.... A.... I definitely like A best...
Eric
The one that is best can be your choice only since you know the relationship and feeling of who or what the object might be.
My preference would be A, for the reason that it is warmer, speaking to and of another person, whereas B might be written about a vase or a car or tree or turtle or ...
Do I get a prize? Pleeeeze....
Hey, Troll, you STOLE Ozymandias from ME!! I wrote it last week!
I like A as well. The rhythm and flow especially. Not to say that B is bad just that I can some how connect to A a little more. I think it feels more like it comes from a personal space or is written about you personally.
I really love the undeja vu and hasneverbeen willneverbe.
Great stuff!
Why aren't you published?
Sparrow and I are an old (really really old) married couple. We fight like this all the time. She claims she wrote Ozymandias. I claim I wrote Frankenstein. Etc...
the troll,
Sounds painful, that couple thing. Can we watch? Ah, right, we just did. Thanks... Thief... :)
Jean,
Wow, you got all kinds of good grief for this. Charlie Brown might be a little jealous but Snoopy would do a neat dance. Of course, your work is really fine, rich, now. You have done well, really improved. I do remember your earlier stuff. Do you ever look at it, compare?
Winston, how about a cookie? heh.
Andrea, because I am a lazy slug most times : ) ...actually, Boney offered to do some illustrations for my poems. We're going to collaborate!
Doom - I am doing a happy dance over this one! And, yes I have looked at older work and sometimes cringed. But then, it's mine, so I could always edit if I want to, right? (Thank you)
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