Therapist #3........

Still here.....still breathing........ready to take another swing at this depression analysis shit. Although, I must admit........... this therapist....Debra........seems very efficient..... quick to ask a lot of questions and bundle the (my) answers into a format that seems to be giving her a large platform from which to work .......... She said she is fine with my reluctance to use another medication at this time........... I would like to work on myself ........unaltered.......at least for now....... I told her I would be "cooperative" about trying a new med later if it felt like it would be in my best interest........... Yes......I am stubborn......and prideful.....but, dammit........help me understand myself first!.......... then we can talk drugs, if needed. Today, in my first session with her, I felt a bit ...........pummelled.......with questions.........almost to the point of wondering ....what the hell happened??.............. Overwhelmed by her rapid-fire approach......but still impressed with the amount of material touched on and collated.......... I like her professional demeanor....... personable, but not condescending....... not sickeningly sweet......... very matter of fact........ and, definitely not a doomsayer......... In other words......... no reason to think all of "this" cannot be worked with.......... worked through....explained...understood.......... and then, move the fuck on! That, I guess, is what I really want ...........to shed the paralysis and begin to take the steps I want to take..........and have the ability to take........... to put my life together and feel proud of who I am and what I do with my life. This is going to require putting aside the fear of honestly looking at myself........... from all angles.......... honestly........... honestly.............. honestly....ohshit! Deep breath.............. I have a homework assignment for our next session........ in two weeks............ I am supposed to think about the "negative cognitive messages" that dominate my thinking .......... She says when these messages become too strong for me to quiet them in my head..... that is the beginning...or precursor......... to an episode of depression. Debra says I need to identify these negative messages that nag me........... keep me from sleeping......... make me angry.......... and depress me............. Apparently, this will be our launching point.......... I am going to have to tell her that the first negative message I hear most often is........ what a disappointment I am.....and have been........... to myself............ and, in my mind......... to others. Fear of failing again.......... and, thus, another disappointment....... is, I think, what keeps me paralyzed............ therefore, not doing ANYTHING ........and the vicious cycle continues.