Have you
written them yet?
The words
you want to say.
The words that stumble
unhearable.
Overexamining
just drains the meaning
Overworking
what came easy at first
When you weren't
thinking on purpose.
Sit back look away
start over
Think what you feel.
Feel what you think.
Let your pen
talk to your paper.
I told ya'll about my sister, Ann, getting knee replacement
surgery in August.
Well, I had to call 911 for her Monday morning. She passed out.
She woke quickly but was shaking, sweaty, dizzy and breathing hard.
EMTs took her to the ER. When I got there they had already
done a bunch of tests and said she had large blood clots in
both lungs. They assumed the clots were from the knee surgery.
Anyway, they did a procedure that ran a tube(?) into her groin
into an artery, up to the lungs and sucked out the clots.
Not painful but admittedly scary. Had to lay flat for 6 hours
before she could eat or drink. In the meantime they did an
ultrasound on her legs to check for clots there. Guess what?
More clots in her calf muscles but in the veins. Supposedly will
give her more blood thinners and hope that will fix 'em.
Poor woman. She's been working hard to do everything she's
been told to recover from the knee surgery. Now she's wondering
what she did wrong to have this happen.
I told her this was not her fault. She is only partly convinced.
We are both worn down after everything that's happened in the
last twelve months. I have no answers...dammit.
The leaves
at the tops
of the trees
are waving.
The breeze
tickles them.
I wouldn't have
noticed this
if I hadn't been
sitting outside
in the breeze
that tickled the leaves.
Lucky me.
as I was
putting
the words on paper
they didn't feel like
my words.
Something or someone
was dictating in my head
what they
wanted said.
I complied without questioning
at the time.
The voice said,
"stop being sorry
for every breath
you take.
be who you are.
no shame.
no regret.
shine from inside
and believe
you are good.
live right for you."
After much
consideration and
contemplation,
I believe I will.
Brother's funeral visitation is this afternoon.
I have an idea about what to post next.
If I can do it so it makes sense without being overly morbid.
do you
think about me
once in a while?
do you
remember what
we did
once in a while?
Our yesterday
is
a long time ago
but just as sweet
today.
Our youngest brother passed away this morning.
Cardiac arrest. He would've been 62 this November.
Our family keeps getting smaller.
We get stuck
more than
one way
being women
while you others
go and do
with rarely
a backward glance.
hardly remembering
us at all.
We remember you
and sigh.
*
...and then
we say goodnight
and go
our separate ways
again.
*
never has been
never will be
stopped expecting
stopped looking
long ago.
Still here, still breathin'.
sometimes
that's all you get.
Want more?
check back
tomorrow.
I didn't mean to.
We can walk away from anyone
but ourselves.
How will you live with you?
(originally posted 2-28-07)
Option 1...
I keep forgetting
that it wasn't you
but someone else
who made me cry.
Option 2...
I keep forgetting
that it wasn't you
but someone else
who made me laugh.
Option 3...
I keep forgetting
that it doesn't matter
whoever it was
isn't here anymore
anyway.
My sister got notified Saturday by her insurance company
that she has to leave the rehab facility on Monday or start
paying out of pocket.
We have two days to get organized to bring her home.
sometimes
when I think
I should
be sleeping
and it's dark and quiet
that's when thoughts
come to visit.
They repeat themselves.
repeat and repeat
until I get up
and write what
they have to say.
it can take a while,
like tonight, but
they won't stop
until they're
damn well ready
and if I'm patient
and a bit lucky
I end up with a
nice little piece
of something-
like this.
In my mind, David McCullough is a supreme word master.
He is one of very few authors who can entice me to read history.
I am worthless here.
Could there be a place where I'd
be better than now?
it feels like settling...
Sister Ann is having knee replacement surgery Tuesday morning.
Therefore, there will probably be a hiatus for me from here for a
couple/few days while I tend to her needs the best I can.
The hospital is keeping her for one day before sending her home.
Depending how quickly this knee heals, they are planning on doing
the other knee in 2-3 months.
Knock-Knock
What?-What?
Are you there?
Who cares?
I do.
Since when?
Since now.
Too late.
tiny birds flit from
here to there looking for who
knows what...ooooh look. bugs!
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