Goodbye Therapist #3.........

Well, this is getting very tiring.......... the new therapist was going to be great...... and then, the day of the second session with her....... she informs me that she is severing ties with the insurance plan I have through my employer........ end of therapy!........... I have been thinking for several days about the best route to follow........ I am dreading the idea of starting with someone new..again......... Beginning to feel like a broken record........repeating the same info and never getting past the intro......... So........ my thought is now to keep working on myself.. but do the work by myself........ perhaps with the assistance of the self-help section at the local Barnes&Nobles.........or, maybe not. My mood has actually been very upbeat.....positive......... and I think I can continue on this healing journey all by myself.......... so there!

Beautiful view............

One of the most beautiful places I have ever been........ Beauvoir....... the last home of Jefferson Davis........ was almost completely destroyed by Hurricane Katrina last year. I viewed the web site today.......... brought to tears by the photos showing the devastation......... comparing the before and after. This beautiful landmark was one of the last good memories I have of Michael and I together..... and I am glad I can remember this good time with him. I am able now....... after more than eight years since his suicide...... to thank him for this and many other memories. I can credit him...... because of his love of southern history..... for showing me and helping me learn much that I might have never experienced otherwise. Together, we explored much of Florida and parts of the South....... not the usual tourist spots, but the small towns ..........small museums........places not advertised on billboards along the interstates......... Of course, Beauvoir is famous and was advertised.......... but, we didn't visit it just as tourists........ we explored it and fell in love with it because we lived in the South......... members of this special community that is part of the entire history of our country. I especially remember walking through the museum at Beauvoir.......... turning a corner..... and seeing a most beautiful quilt hanging on the wall in a display case........ Immediately, tears began to run down my face......... reading that this quilt had been given to a family member serving in the Confederate Army........ something to comfort and protect him........ remind him that he was loved and missed. The quilt had survived the war......... and obviously beyond......... but the soldier had been killed in battle. Having studied quilt making and its history in this country....... I could not help but be deeply touched by the amount of work...... time.... detail....... and love.......... required to create something so beautiful and precious. Knowing that there was very little that could be provided to the soldiers.... on either side..... that could do much to ease their hardships, seemed to grab my heart. Months and sometimes years with no communication......... very little news other than word of mouth........ occasional postings in town........ agonizingly few and far between. This old southern home........ then museum....... represents so much of the life struggles and sacrifices of the time. Compare that time to present day and any of us should be in awe of human strength....... ingenuity........ character. So, this is something Michael has left me with...... a little knowledge and much appreciation for life as it was......... and, as it turns out now......... appreciation for my life as it is......... in part, because of him. I can finally say thank you.

Therapist #3........

Still here.....still breathing........ready to take another swing at this depression analysis shit. Although, I must admit........... this therapist....Debra........seems very efficient..... quick to ask a lot of questions and bundle the (my) answers into a format that seems to be giving her a large platform from which to work .......... She said she is fine with my reluctance to use another medication at this time........... I would like to work on myself ........unaltered.......at least for now....... I told her I would be "cooperative" about trying a new med later if it felt like it would be in my best interest........... Yes......I am stubborn......and prideful.....but, dammit........help me understand myself first!.......... then we can talk drugs, if needed. Today, in my first session with her, I felt a bit ...........pummelled.......with questions.........almost to the point of wondering ....what the hell happened??.............. Overwhelmed by her rapid-fire approach......but still impressed with the amount of material touched on and collated.......... I like her professional demeanor....... personable, but not condescending....... not sickeningly sweet......... very matter of fact........ and, definitely not a doomsayer......... In other words......... no reason to think all of "this" cannot be worked with.......... worked through....explained...understood.......... and then, move the fuck on! That, I guess, is what I really want ...........to shed the paralysis and begin to take the steps I want to take..........and have the ability to take........... to put my life together and feel proud of who I am and what I do with my life. This is going to require putting aside the fear of honestly looking at myself........... from all angles.......... honestly........... honestly.............. honestly....ohshit! Deep breath.............. I have a homework assignment for our next session........ in two weeks............ I am supposed to think about the "negative cognitive messages" that dominate my thinking .......... She says when these messages become too strong for me to quiet them in my head..... that is the beginning...or precursor......... to an episode of depression. Debra says I need to identify these negative messages that nag me........... keep me from sleeping......... make me angry.......... and depress me............. Apparently, this will be our launching point.......... I am going to have to tell her that the first negative message I hear most often is........ what a disappointment I am.....and have been........... to myself............ and, in my mind......... to others. Fear of failing again.......... and, thus, another disappointment....... is, I think, what keeps me paralyzed............ therefore, not doing ANYTHING ........and the vicious cycle continues.

Felix

Yesterday, at work, I was planning on writing on a very different subject than my old, black cat......Felix. .........He was the second oldest of the five critters who let me share this house since my husband's death in 1997.........Pissy, at nearly 20 years of age, passed away a few months ago....lying in bed beside me..... Felix, two weeks younger, died while I was at work ........... I found him after coming home from the grocery store. It had been raining non-stop since the night before..... and, by the time I got home last night, it was also thundering and lightening...... so I waited until very late to bury him beside Pissy......... when the lightening subsided. Felix was, by far, the most sensitive of the bunch......... he could be easily intimidated by the others........ and looked to me for protection and comfort......... Sometimes that was irritating, because it seemed that if he could have attached himself permanently to my side, he would have gladly done so.......... He had big, yellow eyes that often looked sad to me......and, often I would catch him simply sitting and staring blankly...... at nothing. My husband used to joke that Felix fit the saying "The lights are on, but nobody's home.".............I used to agree with that, but now I think........ maybe he was pondering........ and maybe I look that way when I am doing the same........ What would a cat like Felix ponder about?......... I can only project human suggestions.......... did he wonder why he had a step-child type of relationship with the other animals in the house?...... did he care?............ Did he wonder about the possibilities of another kind of cat-life?......... Was he happy or at least content with the existence he experienced here?......... For anyone who does not feel emotionally attached to pets or animals of any kind.......... this pondering on my part probably seems foolish....... perhaps even pathetic........... But, I do care about what kind of life my pets have with me.... And...dear Felix.......... I hope you knew how much I loved you and how many tears I am shedding at your leaving............ I miss you, little boy....Mom loves you.