Friday, November 03, 2006

A Curious Revelation...

I have never been in love.
And... no one has ever been in love with me.

Curiously, this does not make me sad.

I don't think I am alone in this. Most people settle. I did.
I married the first man who asked me... because I thought I might
never be asked again.
The marriage lasted nineteen long years and ended badly.
There cannot be love where there is no respect.

Heh... right now the jukebox is playing
the Eagles "Victim of Love".

But, you cannot be a victim of something that
does not exist to you.
Wishing does not make it happen.

Life goes on.


Loren said...

Which raises the question of how one defines love.

For me, the truest love is the love we have for our children and our grandchildren, an absolute love that demands nothing of the other, but only of ourselves.

Love for a woman is too wrapped up in self-interest, and self-preservation, for that matter, to ever become true love.

k said...

Loren - For the children and grandchildren? Yes.

What you said about love for a woman? Bullshit.

Anonymous said...

I am in love...I married the love of my life although she loves someone else! 26 years on and I love her more than ever...and she still loves some else!

freddie said...

Don't give up.

Y'never know...

freddie said...

And Anonymous? How very sad.

Nea said...

Hi Jean, this post got to me because I, like you, married for other reasons than true love. And then at 49 met someone that I fell in love with deeply. I could love someone I didn't respect, but I found I couldn't live with them for long. I will probably always love this person, but even if he were to come back into my life, I would be no closer to accepting his less than honest traits....than I was two years ago, when we parted ways.

Jean said...

Loren and k - I think part of the issue has always been every individual's definition of the meaning of love... and, finding two people who agree.

anonymous - that is simply heartbreaking to me... wishing for you that, someday, the love will be returned to you.

Freddie - I haven't exactly given up... I just don't expect it to happen.

Nea - welcome back, dear lady!
Another painful situation, indeed, to love someone who turns out to be bad for us.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I think most people marry because they fear being alone and don't realize that no one else can make us whole. It's far better to be alone than to be unhappy in a relationship.

Also, it's easy to mistake passion for love. It's possible to have both with the same person, but they should not be confused with each other.

When I married my present husband, he was worth giving up my independence for. And then I learned that I hadn't, really. It just expanded to include another person. It's been good, but I was perfectly okay with being alone if he hadn't come along.

Love is not an area in which one should compromise. The penalties are too great.

k said...

heartsinsanfrancisco, I'm with you.

Jean, I think is more a *never say never* case. I've heard the same statement made about women, too. I don't believe that either selfishness or self-interest precludes true love between a man and a woman.

It's not a matter of definition, but of belief.

Jean said...

Heartinsanfrancisco - you are obviously a wise and blessed lady. Thank you for contributing here!

k - ha... as often as I have said to myself "never again"... I cannot completely extinguish the hope. But... thank goodness, I have also learned to recognize my wholeness in myself and know that I will never again settle.

Sparrow said...

Having a number of friends who married badly, my motto has always been "Better to be single and lonely sometimes than married and miserable all the time." If I ever marry, it will be because I can't live without the person, not because I can't live alone.

Jean said...

Sparrow - I hear ya, gal... but, truth be known... "can't live without..." doesn't fit for me...My existence is not dependent on anyone else.

k said...

oh, Jean, that is so good to hear.

Sparrow said...

Jean, mine isn't either (clearly!). I just meant I would only marry if I wanted the man, not the state of matrimony.

Jean said...

k - yep, not to worry...:)

oh, Sparrow.....we are definitely on the same page here... your strength and independence are obvious.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Wow. This is powerful. I've been in love more than I can say. And it isn't necessarily a good thing.

I hope you read my reply to your comment. I also hope you took no offense to my post.

Jean said...

EOTR - I guess, in my head, if it is real love between two people... it can't be a bad thing. I don't consider unhealthy love to be real love... but, that's just me.

And, I did read your reply and left another comment. No offense taken at all.

mr_g said...

I think I confused the ideal (yes, ideal, not idea) of true love with actually being in love with someone. I too may have settled...ok, no may have. ANd it often takes time to come to that realization. And you are so right...without respect, there can be no least not true love.

Jean said...

Mr G - I think that once we make that committment, most people want "it" to work... so, we often give the relationship more time than we really should. It can be hard to give up on it.

Valerie - Riding Solo said...

Having been young and ignorant of love in my first marriage I was more careful in the second and still got taken for a ride. I did give up.

Then the mate came back into my life. We had so much love and passion it was coming out all over us. There was no hiding it.

While the passion of the body finally slaked a little after three or four years the need to be with each other to be happy never went away.

It's out there, it's real. You don't give up your independance you learn interdependance. Two woven strands, someone has your back, you would take the bullet, he would too kind of love.

There are always things to be worked through and worked out and worked on but if the love is real they are just petty annoyances, like sanding a part to fit perfectly, you rub against each other and it all smooths out till you hear that click that means you got it right.

I feel so badly for all of you that are still searching for the right partner. I have no words for you, only heartfelt hope that you know the joy of true partnership and love before you go to the next level.

Jean said...

Valerie - Your words bring tears to my eyes and hope to my heart.
I am so glad you are here.