Poem............

I owe no explanation of myself.
I do not owe defense
For who I am
For what I do
For why I think the way I do.
I am the way I am.
I think like me
I talk like me
I act the way I do
Because, I found, denying me
Betrays my heart, my breath.

Sleepless in Daytona.......

I understand the need the human body has for regular, peaceful sleep............ so, why doesn't my body cooperate?............ I have tried pills, meditation, relaxation tapes, no caffeine........ etc...... etc
.........etc ............Sometimes something works for a while............... but I have yet to find the magic,
reliable formula............ And then, of course, the anticipation as bedtime approaches probably doesn't work in my favor............. hmmmmm....... There is one thing I have not been able to try....
.......... sex........... I vaguely remember how good that felt...... and how the deep and peaceful sleep that followed seemed to be the perfect ending..........sweet memories.......distant memories
...No, this isn't loneliness......... this is a serious hormone imbalance!........ based on deprivation...... I saw a screen name in a chat room once... "Lakanookie"............ wonder if that was a pitiful plea for sleep? ............or just a pitiful plea for attention?........... and Please, if anyone reads this and thinks I am pleading and is tempted to respond with an offer........... do not......... Remember, I am simply pondering here .............sorting out thoughts .........Kind of like doing a disk clean-up and then defragmenting...... Ah, yes............. I am fragmented........ scattered......... not compacted.
Instead of functioning efficiently.......... I am being disconnected ....... booted.

Overload........

In my recent state of desperation to resolve the inner conflicts created by myself..... I have once again overwhelmed myself.............. In contradiction to the theme of my last entry in this journal
............I caught myself reaching towards multiple avenues........... hoping to find one solution that will fit me............ one answer, one light, one relief.............. I have complicated simplicity.
I found myself skimming the surface in order to glimpse and grab.......... leaving no time for absorption.... digestion......... much less understanding and resolution...........
Balance and peace are already within me.............. My error is, perhaps, in attempting to force the awareness........... instead of allowing my awareness to accept their rise to the surface.
Instead of clutching.......... which restricts, smothers and rejects.......... release, open and allow the flow to buoy me......... carry me along with it............. Merge with life....... rejoin the whole......
See myself as one grain of sand on the beach......... instead of a solitary mini-universe.
Not just reconnect............... rejoin.

the Compass, not the Clock......

Direction..........not speed.......... so, what is wrong with plodding, as long as you are making progress?........... not a damn thing, say I!......... we have become so immersed in things happening in .........the speed of light.........speed of sound......
a nanosecond ...........instant gratification.......And then what?... collapse?
Our body...........our soul..........our whole being ......deserves calm attention.........
thoughtfulness...... and more attention... So, when I am told by some alleged professionals in the field that every episode of depression.......... is worse than the last ..........and if I don't take their advice and "fix" myself according to their directions.......... my life will be doomed................I say, among other things, "Bah Humbug!" ...........Here is what I think about me and my "situation"............ I think
that every episode is a healing step forward ...and not a relapse backward........ I am believing that my spirit is letting me know it is time to do more work on myself.....and I see that as a good thing because ....it means that I am healthy enough to continue this journey.........It means that I am strong enough to face
another challenge .......that I will conquer, endure and transcend........... I am going to stop fighting against myself because........... that is a step in recognizing myself as I am now............ and that is the opportunity to discover and appreciate what and who I already am........... and recognize how far I have come....... and be happy with myself for that much............and happier, still, to know that I can move even farther along MY path.........

The Halifax............

Went to the river this evening....hoping to repeat the tranquility found at the ocean............it isn't the same .....too much human stuff intrudes..............glaring lights lining the bridge above and the fishing piers below the bridge intrude on the peaceful evening........... traffic noise, loud music and planes make it difficult to hear the river flowing............. I followed a wooden walkway to a gazebo
several feet above the water............That put my back to most of the lights and softened the view............ The constant, repeated rippling on the surface of the river was akin to the soft rocking/floating you could feel lying in a porch swing............. It is a longer drive to the ocean and its beach............ but the rewards to the soul make it worth the trip.

Bother me, please.......

Perhaps I should say............"selective bothering"............yes, I like that better............for now at least........ Being open to all and everything is good.....but there are times when it is necessary to enforce restrictions.....barriers..........to protect oneself from influences that have caused pain.......... or regrets, in the past............ is this a sign of weakness or strength?.............. Perhaps it is a sign of self-knowledge............finally learning what we need in our lives to continue ...or to return to being our true selves............and having the strength to remain true......... So, being bothered is a continuing lesson in learning and remembering who we are......... Allowing everything in all the time can be overwhelming............. especially when we are in a vulnerable state....emotionally or physically ............ The strength of ourselves cannot be maintained or improved unless we are conscious of what is influencing us at the time.......... Allowing ourselves to be bothered by negative people.. situations....... experiences....undermines our level of inner strength..... and jeopardizes our true selves........... It has been only recently that I let my conscious self acknowledge my true self again......... and, consequently, was horrified at what I saw............. horrified at what I had been allowing to bother my life.......... but also calmed and strengthened by the recognition of the control I have within myself to bring myself back to the true me.
I also recognize that it is impossible........ unrealistic and dangerous ........... to attempt to ignore the negative constants in life......... What I see now as healthy is the choices I have
....and have always had........... in how I deal with the negative constants......... Observing them.. maneuvering around them........ meeting them head on...... it is all my choice..... and it is all within my strength and ability.......... And that realization makes me stronger because it reinforces my belief in myself........... which, in turn, reinforces my acceptance of myself.

Pelicans............

Pelicans, terns and seagulls were the first things I noticed as I reached the edge of the sand from my car parked on the beach approach............ but, when I walked a few feet onto the sand......... something else caught my eye............flowers..........black-eyed susans and coreopsis growing out of the dunes............it was a little after 5 pm......and it is winter..........I have lived here for more than 31 years and I had never noticed flowers blooming in the sand dunes at this time of the year...... I stopped to look closely at what I had missed before .....who knows how many times......... and was immediately cheered by the colors and the beauty.............. A flock of about twenty birds.......
seagulls and terns............. were huddled together at the water's edge....not moving......... looking as if they might be napping.............the only pelicans I could see were not in flight or on the beach.
They were floating on the surface of the ocean.......... past the sand bar..........occasionally bobbing their heads under the water.............looking for an easy catch for dinner?............. I had already been parked at the beach for an hour..........eating pizza and reading..........it was cloudy, overcast
and breezy.............I had noticed several young men carrying their surfboards up the approach to their cars.......... so, I was surprised to see several others still in the water using the last of the waves..........3 or 4 feet high..........churning and choppy ..........white foam sinking into the sand at low tide.............. I walked slowly toward the water.....the light was already dimming............ the beach appeared to be almost deserted............. but as far as I could see north and south was limited by the heavy mist...........I thought of the phrase "fog rolling in", but this wasn't fog..... just a heavy, peaceful mist............... enveloping and comforting.............. I stopped at a rise and looked out to the horizon............on the edge of the world, to my left, were two fishing boats.......... shrimpers, if you will............only noticeable by the lights on their masts................ far to my right
was another, also with its mast lights on............. I closed my eyes and listened to the constant
droning/hissing/dull roar of the waves..........took a long, deep breath ...........inhaled the cool evening air.............opened my eyes and lowered myself to sit on the damp sand............. I took another slow, deep breath...released it slowly..........breathed in deeply again...........exhaled slowly, paying attention to how the ocean air felt in my nose, down my throat and filling my lungs................ it was cool and clean..........only the slightest hint of salt and fish............ and then I realized that the air I exhaled from my lungs changed a little with each breath............ each long, slow exhale became a little cooler......... a little fresher...until I felt that the old air in my lungs had been completely replaced by the cooler and cleaner air surrounding me...............it seemed to saturate me from the inside out.............I was beginning to feel calm, refreshed and peaceful.
Then my ears picked up a "slapping" sound............coming from the water.............I listened quietly............concentrating on the slaps..repeating...............repeating...........It wasn't until I opened my eyes and let them work together with my ears that I realized the waves were making this sound.............as they rolled and curled over...........capturing a pocket of air between the wave and the ocean surface............there it was...."slap"................again and again............ to my left..then my right................left again...........then in front of me................ something else I had never noticed here before.................The mist seemed to be getting closer to me............. like a gauzy curtain............... blocking my view of homes, condos and hotels............. a small, quiet,
seemingly-empty beach on either side of me............ feeling like an island........... with the huge,
constantly moving, dark grey ocean in front of me...............this was solitude....this was calm.........
this was comfort.....and it struck me.......it was always here................always here for me to merge with at any time..............no schedule............no limits ..................all peace.

Depression sucks...........

Some days are better than others..........the past three were less than better........another weekend put me in a funk that carried into Monday and Tuesday...........bad enough that I did not go to work...........which made the cycle continue because missing work for no good reason simply makes me angrier at myself..........which is why I am depressed in the first place......... I am my own worst critic...........no self compassion..........Self compassion...........a new phrase I heard from my therapist............I can make excuses for almost anyone except myself...........not that excuses are necessarily good things all the time...........but I have been angry at myself about things in the past......and since they are in the past.........I know they cannot be changed........and should be simply learned from and the knowledge filed for future reference...............but, even knowing this, I continue to rehash mistakes, failures, disappointments...........and, in the long run, all this self-flagellating has done nothing but stop me in my tracks............time moves on, but I do not......I continue to question what people see in me as positive..........perhaps that is because I feel that they don't see the real me............the person I know.......so...........whose perspective is more accurate.............. mine?............... or theirs?

First Entry.....

Another sleepless night..........no specific reason........a bright orange full moon cast shadows in my yard.......made the night more welcoming...... very little could hide completely......... sirens wailing earlier ......someone in need of help ...........who will rescue me?