Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Wherein my brain spins scenarios galore...

"You and your dog have to go!"
"This is MY house!"
"You can't tell me what to do!"...etc.

Of course, I come back with scathing replies.
(That I will not repeat here.)

Anger saturates the air. In my head, anyway.
How can I even think angry thoughts about my sister?
Anger oftentimes comes from fear, doesn't it?

And, I am afraid.

Afraid that I won't do enough.
Afraid that I'll make terrible mistakes.
Afraid that I won't do what I'm supposed to do.
Afraid that fear becomes anger and I cause pain.

She is a simple girl. Life has been rough and
some of those rough times were her fault, even though
she won't admit that.
She is also sensitive and very proud. She needs my help
and that's why I'm going and she seems glad.

Tonight she said "I signed a power of attorney form and
I put your name and (brother's) name on it. You know,
in case I get sick and can't write checks myself for a while.
Just in case."

I had to hold my breath a long time until I could swallow
the sob in my throat.


the walking man said...

There comes a place in every persons life whether it be through time or circumstances where all the old models are thrown out the window eh? You are changed and have had your own share of hard times, she is older and has had hers. Seriously Jean, I think it's just time not to worry about your decisions anymore.

What you don't know how to do to help--you will learn.

Whatever bit of your childhood grievances that may come out--will be forgiven.

Wherever you find your self on this new road you will see that you have been there before and will know how to act.

Aging isn't all suck ass, experience well paid for actually does have a purpose.

Anger is one of those mostly irrational emotion, I personally have a use for mine, but for the most part--even the creator of the heavens and the earth got pissed off, ergo while we mostly like it cool and calm, anger does have its place in our psyche, eh?

Freddie said...



Wouldn't it be nice if we could always describe our relationships with them as "easy"?

If I were to try and offer any advice it'd be: Communicate, communicate, communicate. Don't try and guess.

Jean said...

I'm the older one, Mark. More pressure to be smarter. Ah, that's silly, too. I think when I'm actually there all this 'what if' in my brain will peter out. Be too busy doing instead of wondering.

That's good advice, Freddie. She and I used to have 5-minute conversations, max. Yesterday was over 20 minutes and all was calm.
I'll take that as good progress.

Anonymous said...

Jean, you WILL know what to do and when to do it. Trust me. Caregivers are so often waaaay too hard on themselves. Have patience with your sister -- and yourself. Still praying for you and your sis.


Boxer said...

acting as a shepherd is a difficult and potentially lonely job. I think you're smart to prepare yourself for not only your emotions, but hers. There will be plenty of pain and I'm sorry, but hopefully you'll find some joy in it too. I brought my Father home when he was sick and it was so beautifully hellish. I would trade nothing of the experience and the new relationship we were able to develop. Still.... you're giving up a lot to go home. I think you'll surprise yourself. :-) Hang in there. Keep blogging.

Doom said...

Every time my mother and I inhabit the same a.o., it can come to this. Quickly. I have been able to set it aside, for short periods of time, when she has been ill (after her back surgery). But for long term?

I figured out what could work, for a while longer, though. I would have to shut my mouth when I... feel the need to... respond, negatively. The only way I can do that longer term is to have someone I can talk that over with, leaving my mother in peace. Someone who won't be spilling the beans so it gets back to my mother. While I don't believe in therapists for most things, that might be someone to trust to speak with. A visit or two a month, half hour to hour, at a local mental health clinic (with sliding fees, of course). I noticed my mother could be very harsh when pain killers removed some of her inhibitions (or when the pain was great as well).

I don't know if that will help you, but... It might be worth thinking over. Learning to bite the tongue is the first trick. I'm still working on that.

You'll do swell. Just don't give up and make sure she knows you are in it for her and the long haul, even if you make mistakes.

Jean said...

Bonnie, Boxer, Doom - Thanks, you dears, for the vote of support.
I think that when I'm actually there, things will fall into place better than my pea-brain imagines.
If they gave degrees in Worrying, I'd have one for sure.
Therapy? hmmm. Perhaps. Maybe even look up a support group of some sort.

Anyway, keeping my focus on her is what I'll be there for. And there are other family members and friends not far away.

boneman said...

support groups are OK, but, friends are better.
Mark is right, Doom, too (if he minds his Ma), Bonnie, Freddie, Boxer...
Good support group.
You've more, just some aren't aware.

You do the one thing.
That is, you do the best you can with whatever enthusiasm you can muster.
Nothing wrong will happen.
Worse case scenarios range from Carol falling in love with Sparky and vice versa (and when she says "do a trick," he does), to some drunk burning Ann's house while she's at work and the three of you move into the 740 square feet together.
Now...doesn't THAT sound like fun?

I have all the confidence in you because I know that you may have soft spots, but, you are also adamant about some things. You are detail oriented and that will serve you well.
You write in your notebooks, so your creativity will continue to be fed.
And family that gets together to help is the best you could ever ask for.
Well...that and maybe a shower.

OK, well, if I continue, I'm bound to say something stupid, so, best that I go back to drawing.
But, you'll be fine.
You're anticipating the unknown.
Wait till it actually gets to your doorstep before you deal with it.

Jean said...

All three sisters in the same house... oh lordy!!
(Thank you for the comment, dear. You make some very good points.)