(Scroll down to the post below for the first half of this.)
OK, then, where was I? Oh, yeah... therapy, etc.
About six months after being discharged from the first
batch of therapy sessions, I decided that being cranky
wasn't fun. For me or anyone around me.
I called the psychologist and made an appointment.
He professed to being shocked that I was back because he
thought I was doing so well when he ended the first series
You see, even professionals can be fooled if the patient is
adept at saying the right things and acting happy. If the
patient isn't completely honest about their life, thoughts,
moods, attitudes, activities... well, pretending wins awards
for actors, doesn't it? I was very good at pretending and
being very convincing. Up to a point.
So, this time I told the truth. He was obviously shocked.
He said he wanted to refer me to a psychiatrist so I could
be evaluated and prescribed medication. An anti-depressant.
I said no again. He took a deep breath and began a lecture.
Basically, he said that because I had hit such low lows, I was
a danger to myself and if I didn't agree to follow his advice
this time he would take steps to override my objections for
my own good. For my own safety.
He was threatening me with the Baker Act.
I could feel my blood boil. And then I broke down in tears.
I left his office with a referral and a week later I had a Rx for
Paxil. It took almost a month to do its job and clear my head.
It felt like a very, very long month.
He discharged me from therapy after about two months but I
continued to see the psychiatrist every three months until he
released me but said to continue with the meds. I took it
religiously for about five years and did well. Then, I read about
some of the long-term side-effects and began to wean myself
off the drug very slowly. I continued to do well, without the meds,
for almost another five years.
Then the Black Dog started making visits again. Each visit got
a little bit darker and lasted a little bit longer. Damn.
I tried a couple of new therapists. Not much help. buh-bye.
I refused meds with them, too. Can you say denial?
I need to jog back a bit. It will make sense, trust me.
Do you remember when I went to the shooting range?
(Go to the March 2007 archives.)
I really did want to learn about shooting a gun and self-defense.
But, there were other reasons.
I had a weird curiosity about wanting to know what my
husband heard when he shot himself in the head. Yeah, weird.
We never had a gun. I'd never held one, let alone shot one.
I did well that one time at the range and I had fun.
I was surprised that no one ever asked me if I ever went back
or if I actually purchased a gun.
I did a lot of serious thinking about owning a gun. I decided that
it was not a good idea for me. Possibly not ever.
You see, I also learned that it was easy. And quick.
It didn't leave any time to change your mind once you put
pressure on the trigger. No room for an oops.
I don't want to do that to myself. Or to anyone who cares about me.
Family or friends. I've been on that side and it sucks.
So, when the demons continued to visit on occasion, I continued
to fight them. I would dodge and weave and hide. But, it got to the
point that all my energy was being taken up with dodging and
weaving and hiding. It started pissing me off.
When I realized that I was pissed damn near all the time, I called
my regular every day doctor. I explained what I wanted and why.
He did not hesitate to comply. Bless him.
I've been on another anti-depressant for a month now.
After two weeks, I realized that I wasn't pissed at the world.
Oh, I still get angry at times but, it's for a good reason and the
feeling passes as it would for anyone else. But, I no longer spend
every waking hour ready to explode. I am rational.
I am beginning to enjoy life again. I have hope again.
I was also terrified that medication would somehow stop me
from writing anything else of any worth. That didn't happen, either.
If you are not snoring by now... thank you.
And thank you all for not giving up on me.
Life is good.
I'm not ready to get off this ride just yet.