Sunday, July 30, 2006

Prayer...


Mom? Hi, it's me.
Mom, would you help me?

I know you've been watching and worrying. I'm sorry, Mom. I know I waited a long time. I've been trying to do it all myself, but I can't. I need you to help me.

Tell me, Mom. What was your secret? How did you keep it together all those years? You and Dad raised five kids. Provided everything we needed and most of what we wanted every day. All I have now is me, and I'm not doing half -OK, one quarter- of what I should be doing. My house is a disaster and I am a mess. I'm going backwards fast.

I'm getting older faster too. Time is flying. Just like you said it would happen. A middle-aged baby boomer worrying a lot about her future. Hell, worrying a lot about tomorrow! Everyone else is doing pretty well with their lives. It's just your oldest here who's floundering.

Did it help to have kids? Did we somehow give you more reason to to keep going, fight harder? I never told you how scared I was to have kids. For a long time, I just expected that they would happen for me . You know, husband and family would be my life too. After I got married was when the fear showed up. I couldn't see how any kids I might have would have the life I did with you and Dad. I was afraid to give them less. I didn't want them to have a bad life. Was I wrong? Again?

I miss you, Mom. I think about you a lot. If you were still here, you would be 82. How old are you, where you are? Did you stay the same age or did you get to go back to where you wanted to be? Is your hair still gray or is it raven and full of curls again? I know your eyes still have that twinkle. That never left, even when you got sick. Do you still feel pain? Do you get tired? I wish, I hope, I pray that everything, wherever you are, is beautiful and good. Just like you.

Is there any way you can talk to me now? I promise to listen this time.

Amen.

p. s. I know you know this, but I want to say it: I love you.
Always have. Always will.

Amen, again.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Quite a moving piece there.

I think you are right re the kids having helped her keep going.

We don't know exactly what happens to people after they pass on, and people can be beset with doubts and regrets in life. Looking back too much and excessively ruminating on the past and blaming oneself is not good. I think the way to go is to have faith in God and live a good life, doing good deeds and God's work. Such a purposeful life can give a person a measure of inner serenity, even if the going may be difficult at times. Making the future better is a way of fixing the past, to a degree.

Freddie said...

Listen to your heart. Maybe you'll find her there.

Jean said...

Even though she's been gone almost 19 years, I still miss her.
Thank you both.

boneman said...

Almost as though there was a reply....but, it appears t'be set aside fer the message.
Really like it.
Right after I got m'store bought teeth I was dreamin' bout Ma, and for a fleeting moment actually thought she was visitin with me.
I remember how, just as I was getting totally awake, the feelin was so strong, I ran outside and there was this beautiful sunset goin on, and I could only just put up a grteat big smile at the sky and say, Look, Ma! I finally got some straight teeth!"

Still makes me cry some t'think of it.

delftsman3 said...

That was a beautiful prayer. Thank you for sharing it.

Blaez said...

wow.

this writing makes me think of my roommate. how she feels. i'm definatly going to email it to her.

again, you bring a tear to my eyes. you have such compassion and emotion in your writings. its hard not to be moved.

Jean said...

boneman....you made me tear up just now.

delftsman3....thank you for being here.

blaez...hope your roommate enjoys it too....thanks.

s-hooks said...

Wow.

That was so real. It really touched my heart. It made me wonder what else you're thinking about her that you didn't put down in words. It made me want to call my mom.

Jean said...

s-hooks.....thank you for your kind comments...... CALL HER.

Valerie - Riding Solo said...

You can share my mom while I have her.

Jean said...

Valerie - thank you...:)