Sleep, Sweet Sleep (My way, my time)

It has been years, comprised of many, many, many long nights, miserable mornings and angry days since I have had any semblance of a good (normal) night's sleep.

To say sleep has eluded me is not quite accurate, because there were those nights that sometimes folded into days, that I slept...... and slept and slept.
There is more than one kind of sleep, you know. Not all are restful or peaceful. Not rejuvenating. Not healing. Not even welcome, as contradictory as that may sound.

Sleep has controlled my life in such a way that I had no control of my life.
It has been such an issue that sleep, in a very strange, tentacled way, has caused much concern, chagrin, anger, worry and even sadness for my friends, family, neighbors, doctors, co-workers and perhaps most of all, my employers.
I have been asked by ALL....... "Are you in pain?" ".........depressed?"
".........staying up too late?" "...........worrying about something?" ,and even, read this one carefully, "Are you sure you're just not being REBELLIOUS?" That's right. Maybe I was making myself miserable and risking my JOB on purpose!
Unfortunately, my brain was so frazzled at times that I even considered that a possibility myself.

I tried medication of all types, meditation, vitamins, herbs, teas, MDs, counselors, reading, not reading, music, relaxation tapes....... and on and on. And over and over again.

All this while, way back in the very dark recesses of my brain, my heart, my soul....
was a very faint, timid voice saying "My way, my time." No other clues, no other advice. Just......."My way, my time." Mostly, this only added to my frustration, because all I could think, in response, was "But HOW......and WHEN??"

Well, it feels like it is happening now.
And, I cannot begin to explain or understand. All I know is that for the past week, there has been peace, calm and sweet, sweet sleep. And all I am doing is accepting it, embracing it and rejoicing in it. Letting it be.
Letting it happen. No analysing. No diagnosing.
It is here, and I am glad.

My way, my time........ opening my soul, my self. Allowing my self to appear and to be. The balance is already there and it cannot be forced, teased or shamed into appearing. Open myself and let it rise to my conscious, as it will, as it should, as it wants. Let loose of everything in order to gain my self. Release and discover.

When I die, I hope someone remembers "My way, my time."
There is nothing to explain, nothing to understand.
Only smile, and know.