If I had my life to live again
I'd find you sooner.

Kobi Yamada 

 

 

How do you sleep?...

Do you wake up thinking
or having to pee?

What to do, which way to go...

 

Heart break...

 How many times did
your heart break before you gave
up the truth at last?

An excellent book...

 

Not...

 

My next t-shirt...

 God and I
don't always see
eye to eye.

Elf owl...

 

The
smallest
owl
in the
world.

When you're writing...

Write the way you talk.
Write the way you think.
Write what you do.
           what you hate.
           what you love.
           what you want.
           what you see.
           what you hear.
           what you feel.
           what you need.
           what touches you.
           what hurts you.
           what confuses you.
           what worries you.
           what makes you happy.
           what makes you angry.
           what makes you horny.
           what makes you sad.
           what makes you cry.
           what makes you smile.
           what makes you dance.
           what makes you sing.
           what makes you breathe.
           what makes you stop.
Write it all.

Thanksgiving...

 

For every
day, not
just a
one-day
holiday.

I'll keep this short...

Carol got the biopsy results this week.
The spot on her lung is migrating colon cancer.

That puts her at Stage 4.

She is not a candidate for surgery. Too high risk.
That leaves radiation or chemo.
She'll see an oncology radiologist first week of December.
They'll make a decision after that.

Her oncologist is hoping they can do radiation
because it could be a "one and done" treatment.

So far, she's feeling fine. Not quite the energy level
she once had but close. Her positive attitude continues
to amaze us. She says "I've been through this before. I'll
get through it this time, too."

I hope she's right. 

 

Compassion and understanding...

 

It's OK...

 

Perplexed...

 I know there is
but I don't know
where it is.

 

there will be nothing left.
there is nothing left.
empty hurts.
being ignored makes me sad.
your life is busy,
you don't have time.
or am I just not important any more?
I can't say this out loud because...
it would sound pathetic or angry
and make you feel guilty, perhaps,
or angry also and then where
will we be? Nowhere good.

Pencil-thin penis...

 (originally posted 11-24-08)

Sunday morning I headed west to meet a
friend at an outdoor art festival.

Around here, it's a good idea to stay alert for
critters that might wander from the woods to
the edge of the road. Deer, gators, bears and such.

The only deer I saw was a small white-tail lying
dead in the weeds. Poor thing.

The deep ditch was about half full of water but I
saw no signs of gators. This time.

I did see a wild turkey strutting his stuff but he was
heading back to the woods, so no worries there.

About a quarter mile past the turkey I spotted something.
It was an upside-down turtle, about the size of a big
salad bowl, and his stubby legs were spinning
like propellers.
He was trying to right himself but he had nothing to
brace against and all he was succeeding in doing was
miring himself deeper into the sand. He couldn't even
get a good rocking motion going to roll over.
That turtle was going to be stuck there, upside down
forever, unless someone flipped him over.

I hit my turn signal, eased off the pavement and stopped.

I'd had no prior dealings with big turtles. Well, except
for the time one dug under the fence and made a hole
about three feet deep in the front yard...but, that's another
story for another time, perhaps.

So... I got out of the car and walked slowly toward the
panicky reptilian critter... while keeping alert for snakes.
I hate snakes.

The turtle's head was pointed toward the edge of the road,
so I'm thinking that I should spin him around before I
roll him over so he doesn't trot onto the asphalt and
get splattered by the traffic zipping by at 60 mph.
That would suck. Especially for him.

How did I know the turtle was a him?

I was about six feet away when I saw his head and
all four feet disappear......ssshhhhwoooooppp.
Sucked 'em right into his shell. Gone.
And then, I saw it.

His skinny, pink penis was protruding from, well,
where most pink penises are expected to be
protruding from. (Looka dat. Did I manage to get a
dangling participle and a preposition on the end of
that sentence? Whatever. Could it be I just invented
the 'dangling penis-ciple' ?)

Now I am in a bit of a conundrum you see, because I
have nothing to touch him with. How am I going to
move him?

I'm not going to put my foot where his head can pop
out and clamp on my toe. That leaves the other end.
The dangling penis-ciple end.
OK, I think to myself, do it quickly.
Boomp! Spin. Dammit. Not enough.
Again. Boomp! Spin. Success!

Only now, the little pink penis is flapping back and
forth like a metronome. Flap Flap Flap Flap.
The bugger is waving at me.

I put my foot on the side of his shell and push to get
him rocking a bit. He's surprisingly heavy.
Rock Rock Rock, Push! Foomppp. It's done. Yay.
He just lays there on his belly. No head, no legs.
I wait.
I back up.
I back up farther.

Finally, the head and appendages begin to protrude.
He stands up, looks around a bit, and I cannot help
but notice... the penis-ciple is still dangling.
Dragging in the sand. He stops.
He stretches his hind legs to raise his back end and
the skinny pink penis slowwwwwwwly returns to its
hiding place. Then he ambles so very casually toward
the ditch.

That's it, fella. You are on your own.

I get back in my car and make my way to the art show.
It was a great art show.
Not one penis on display, however.

 

My brain is on strike, so you get another pretty photo...

 

I wanna
meet the
person
who designed
and made
this gate.

Welcome November...

 

Boo...

 

Here's something that will bore you...

I went in for my annual check-up with my primary care
physician today.

I didn't use to like her very much and kept threatening
to find a new doctor but today she got added to my
Christmas card list. She had nothing but good news for me.

My blood work was damn near perfect. A1c was 6.2.
Glucose was 99. aaaannnnd I've lost 24 lbs.
Because my blood work and glucose control has been
very good for several years, she said she could lower
my diabetes Metformin dosage. I'm thrilled! Metformin is
the only diabetes medication I take.

I'll have to monitor my glucose level a little more closely
for the next six months to make sure it stays steady and
my A1c doesn't go up. I can do that.

I've already made appointments to go to the dentist and visit
the eye doctor. My colonoscopy turned out peachy. The only
thing left to schedule is a mammogram and I'll do that tomorrow.

My full-body tune-up is going swimmingly. (knock on wood).

where...

 If you don't
find me here
I'll be nowhere.
Go there.

Do not spew...

 

Prayer...

 Wizard Universe,
Shore us up for the many
days ahead. Amen.

Here we go again... (update)

In spite of good news, there is a new hiccup for Carol

They've been monitoring a spot on her left lung.
Comparing it from this scan to the one done in June,
it has doubled in size. Not good.

Oncologist said that is a definite sign of active cancer.
The complication is placement. It's behind the heart
which may make it nearly impossible to reach
to do a biopsy which means they won't know what
kind of cancer it is. Which means they won't know
what chemo to attack it with.

Radiation would also be tricky to impossible.

She is scheduled for a PET scan Friday. It will give
a more detailed look at the lymph node/spot area.

They'll be involving top-notch radiologists and surgeons
to look at the PET scan image and make recommendations.
Probably won't get their evaluations until beginning of November.

In the meantime, we will be (at least I will be) on pins
and needles waiting...waiting...

If you are so inclined, more good thoughts and prayers
would be appreciated.

(update...Carol got a call this morning saying her insurance
company refused approval for the PET scan. She had to
reschedule for November 7. Waiting 3 weeks instead of one.
Damn their asses.)

Hey lady...

What are you?
Some kinda poet
or something?

I smiled.
As a matter
of fact,
I am.

Who's asking?

 

Take me...

Don't talk
just do.
        you know
        what you want.
Don't explain.
Don't ask.
         Just do.

Picking up the slack...

 Good news is always a pleasure to spread.
Ann had a follow-up MRI and the results
were exciting and very encouraging. No signs
of the pituitary adenoma coming back or spreading.
The surgeon was thrilled and said she would
have another MRI in 6 months just to keep track.
Big sigh of relief.

Carol came through the ostomy reversal surgery
with flying colors and has completely healed.
She has an appointment with her oncologist Friday.
She'll get the results of her latest CT scan and hope
there are no signs of new cancer or spreading of
the cancer we know is there. Because of all the
surgeries and emergencies, she hasn't had any
kind of chemo since January...well, except for the
one colon cancer cycle that put her in the hospital
and rehab for almost two months.
We're 99% sure she'll go back on chemo for the breast
cancer she's been battling for more than 12 years but
unless the colon cancer rears its ugly head, there will
be no chemo for that.

This past month has been almost like a vacation because
there have been so few appointments and procedures
to deal with.

I'm getting ready for Christmas. Almost done shopping
and ready for wrapping and hiding and mailing.
Life is good.

I've been able to take more time to read lately.
This is what I'm working on now:

The worst situation is the horrible hurricane
damages and deaths this year with yet another
monster on its way as soon as tomorrow.
May all in its path survive.

F. Scott Fitzgerald- beautiful...

 

He knew the true meaning,
wouldn't you say?

Maybe no more...

 am I allowed to
love you? if not tell me soon.
It's a long walk back.

Vulnerable...

 

Yep, it's true...

 

Thinking...

 I don't like thinking
much.
When you think
much
your brain makes you
think
about things you
don't want to think
about
much.

Indeed...

 

Og is back in business...

 Go visit the man.

He was around when blogging was much
more fun and informative. And he's gonna do it again.

 

A friend of Huckelberry Finn...

 

Reading this next.

Another book to read (like I need more)...

 

 I like it so far.

Creative life...

 

Cool weather memories...

 

We had a few horses
for a while.
This is Lady and her
colt Sox.
Filling out the picture
is Dad, me at 12 and
Tom about 5.

Took seven years to
build the house while Dad
worked 6 days a week at
Goodyear. Mom's dad and
brother did all the brickwork
and stonework.

30 days hath...

 

Waiting to be filled with life,
with joy,
with gratitude
for what has been
and what is to come.

haiku me...

 I think I'm smarter
than the world has found out yet.
Won't they be surprised.

I wish...

 

If only
for a moment
in time.

Cheers...

 

No virgin here...

 

Thanks to Cultural Offering

Re-post from 2007...

 From 17 years ago...holy shit. Time flies.

 https://beauvoirglass.blogspot.com/2007/04/airport-lounge.html

Bear with me...

I should have reported on the details of both my sisters
medical situations and recoveries. I just don't have it
in me to go over all that again. You'd be bored.

Be assured that both Carol and Ann are doing well.
Carol will have the reversal surgery to remove her
ostomy bag later this month. She is thrilled. Then they
will decide on the next course of chemo.
Ann's adenoma surgery went well last week. Took six
hours but she is almost back to being her old self.
Post-op appointments are scheduled. For both.

Myself, I have reconnected with a very dear friend who
is adding much good light in my life.

the Who...

 

Thomas Edison...

 

Bears in Florida are stressed and depressed...

 

 Stop taking selfies with stressed bears.

In time...

 

beautiful poetry...

 

By E. E. Cummings 1952

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                      i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Pale beauty...

 

Happy 4th of July...

 

Have fun and
go barefoot.

Positive...

 

re-post from 2023...

 bye, bye June...

maybe next year will
be more of what you want or
less than what you got.

Family...

Carol is making so much progress we are all pleased.
She can eat anything she wants...and she does.
Her lungs are getting better. Added oxygen at only 4L.
She gets physical therapy 3-4 times a week and now
is able to use a walker.
Her fluid output is back to normal. No IV fluids.
No idea how much longer she'll be in re-hab but we
are all looking forward to the day she can come home.

Ann's journey is just starting.
We met with the surgeon and he has scheduled her
surgery for July 31. In the meantime she has a
gazillion blood and other tests to get done before she
goes for the pre-surgery consult on July 9.

There are no good shortcuts in life.

Don't be afraid...

to tell me what you think of my
dark and not very laugh-out-loud
little poems.
You won't hurt my feelings.

a little bit...

 

Even on a good
day we do a little bit
of dying.

Breathing room...

 Carol finally got well enough to get moved to
a rehab facility. She's making good progress there.
She was actually able to walk (with a walker) the
length of the hallway from physical therapy to
her room. That's more mobility than she's had
in over a month.
Monday we see her oncologist to find out what the
plan is there.
Wednesday we head to Cleveland Clinic so Ann
can meet with her surgeon to find out when they
will remove the pituitary adenoma that is blurring
her vision in one eye. The adenoma is the size
of a plumb. Much larger than average.

Still much to do for both my sisters.

a poem of sorts...

 I can see every
leaf on every tree across
the way. But I can't
see tomorrow.

"I just want to get better"...

 After 18 days in the hospital for severe dehydration
brought about by the chemo they gave her for the
colon cancer, they just moved Carol to ICU.
Serious breathing issues.

We're seriously worried.

There's a whole lot going on...

I'll come back later with some details.

Plant a garden...

 

Happy Mother's Day...

 

Tell'm
while ya
got'em.

 

You gonna argue?...

 

Pick your normal...

 

This pretty much says all that needs to be said
about life in general, all day, every day.

 

At least there's this...

 

Do you see the eyes?...

 

Happy Birthday, Dad...

 

 

Hard to believe you've been gone 34 years.

Good reads... help keep me sane