Tuesday, July 08, 2008

shitshitshitIhatespiders!

Sunnavabeyotch.

So much for sleeping tonight. Anybody wanna chat?

I was so looking forward to some sweet slumber.
Took a nice, cool shower. Put on a clean white wife-beater.
Curled up on clean sheets, enjoying the fan blowing on me...
AND THEN... I see IT.

A long-legged, kinda brownish SPIDER at least five inches across,
on the wall under the window, no more than two feet from my face.
Who says size doesn't matter??

Some impressive freaking ensued.

Managed to run to the pantry without breaking a leg, grab a can
of something, return to the bedroom. Carefully. Slowly. Approach.
SPRAY!!!!!
The basstid runs across the wall... and falls. Ha! Take that!

Oh. Shit.

It's back on the wall. SPRAY. Fall.

Dammit, it's staggering up the side of the bed!
Fuck this. I'm going for the big guns.... HAIRSPRAY.
Hairspray and a clothes hanger to beat his ass.
SPRAY. SPRAY. SPRAY.

He falls again.

I verrrrrry carefully...still armed, mind you... peek over the
edge of the bed.

What do I see? A big pile of very sticky books.
No spider. Dammit.

I don't see it anywhere. Wait.
I hear a noise. Something is moving at the end of the bed.
Looking. Looking.
I see nothing. The noise stops.
I'm now standing in the middle of the bed, scoping the perimeter.
It's quiet. Still no visual on the arachnid.

If it isn't dead, it's very pissed. And sticky. And stiffening.
I hope.

So, now I'm sitting yoga-like on the corner of the bed farthest
from the last sighting. And not happy. Still armed.
Doing a repeated visual sweep of the entire room.
I now have a headache and I'm sweating.

Nothing. It's been an hour. No-thing!

Ain't no way in hayyyul this broad is closing her eyes tonight.
Gather up notebook, cigarettes, cell phone. Head to the computer room.
Make first cup of strong coffee.

I have to be at work...preferably alert... at seven ay em.
It is now 1:30 ay em.

Pity my co-workers.

Sunnavadamnbeyotch.

24 comments:

Erica said...

~shudders~

Ye Gods, I know just how you feel...I always get the worst, most scariest bugs in my apartment, just before bedtime, and usually the night before I either have to travel, or be in work early.

The night before I flew to Texas, I ended up with a gigantic wasp in my apartment and ended up having to sleep under the covers, after I finally had to give up swinging at it with a broomstick.

I pray you killed the bastidge and scored a little shuteye.

Anonymous said...

... the spiders and I have reached an understanding around The Compound.... as long as they stay outside, I give them a wide berth..... venture inside and they are deadsky meatsky....

Eric

kdzu said...

Oh Shit that was frightening. I'm with Eric, stay outside and we've a cautious peace, venture inside and out comes the Demon Max to spray them into submission.

dianne said...

I just hate that, when you take a swipe at them and they fall out of sight & you dont know where they have crawled off to in their wounded state- but still able to bite & make your skin crawl. Eeeewwwww!I have used everything from insect spray, deodorant to bathroom cleaner hoping to suffocate or drown the creepy bastards. Well I hope the hairspray did the trick, that would slow it down a bit Haha, hope you got some sleep Jeannie! :)

LL said...

Me and spiders are cool. But throw a mouse in there.....there IS no spray can big enough to handle that shit!

I feel your pain, Jean.

Anonymous said...

Your little monster might be a 'banana spider.' I have always had luck killing large spiders with Wasp & Hornet spray, rgardless of brand name - used Raid & Hot Shot brands. Good luck on finding the thing DEAD!

bonnie

~Jack~ said...

There's only two things I fear.... spiders and LL. HA!

Jean said...

No sleep last night.

Still no carcass.

Good gawd I'm tired. Early night tonight with or without the dead critter!

Brigid said...

Snakes I have no problems with, I can handle most of the two legged and no legged kind. But spiders. I had a tarantula on my guest bed once when visiting a friend in the desert and ended up sleeping on her couch in the living room for the rest of the week.

Scurvy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Deadman said...

It's bad juju to kill spiders.

See? you didn't get any sleep after killing that one.


If it wasn't for bad luck...

Jean said...

Last night I slept from 8 pm until 6 am this morning. Comatose.

boneman said...

thing is, they have great memories.
If it lived, you're in danger!

no....
actually, isn't it amazing how some things grow in one's mind when it's frightening? Probably a wolf spider, but, for all the world, you've now filled your room with some noxious smell.
Dang!
Go get some good smell spray. If you're going to overdose on carbon crap, might as well enjoy the smell...

Spiders of all kinds hate activity.
Move stuff around your room and you'll find
#1 spiders will abandon your room
#2 the body

Jean said...

Thanks, Berry. Good ideas!

Anonymous said...

Dear Jean,

I know you were terrified........but this post made me chuckle imagining your attack mode

Beansgal

Jean said...

B... I'm just thankful there were no cameras or Peeping Toms around!

Doom said...

I, myself, like spiders. They do the world good. Yet, not so long ago, I had one crawl into bed and dance on my shoulder. Let us just say... I am with you on this one. Though, I was able to get to sleep a few hours later. But, it was not that big, I think. I only felt it and sort of squished it and threw it. By the time I got the light on, the thing was gone! I think it was only between a quarter and a fifty cent piece in size though. I just hope it, like your 'friend', isn't in recovery... plotting revenge.

Jean said...

oh, this one was...no exaggeration...a good five inches from leg to leg. MUCH too big for close proximity.

Deadman said...

oh, this one was...no exaggeration...a good five inches from leg to leg. MUCH too big for close proximity.

If I didn't know you were talking about a spider I'd say that was the first time in the history of the world those phrases were uttered by a woman...

Jean said...

Ha...and they would not have been said by me!

AspergantuS said...

so... how goes the arachnid hunt?
Do you have a trophy on the wall yet?

Jean said...

No sighting. Hopefully, it's dead somewhere.

Blaez said...

i couldn't help but laugh and share with my BF who said "you saw a spider last night?" thinking i was reading an entry from my own journal.

men are so cute! hope your spidie is dead...too bad it aint the cute spiderman spidie cuteness.

i got a new baby! you have to come see her pics :-)

That 1 Guy said...

I'm sorry, Jean, but I was cracking up.

Hope you find the bastard's dried out, hairsprayed husk.