Friday, May 19, 2006

I miss sanity.....

I'm having...... moments.
Slipping away
from time to time.
Being drawn or reaching?
If I leave tonight,
is there somewhere else to go,
Beyond this breath?

My last clear memories of......anything clear....... end right after high school.
Up until the summer after graduation, there were no overwhelming thoughts.
Life was simple, easy, fun. It was an adventure, not a chore. Life was looking forward, expecting dreams to come true. Learning anything and everything was
one of the biggest pleasures to be had.

I was not spoiled or pampered. I was expected to succeed in all things, especially in school. I did that........ and enjoyed the process.
I was expected to be a good girl, daughter, student, person. I liked being all those things.

I never felt that I was being pushed or pressured. I never felt that too much was expected of me. The only stress I remember was what I put on myself..... mostly because I was, and still am, a procrastinator. Almost everything was done at the last minute, but because those things almost always worked out well, I never saw any harm in my approach. It left lots of time for extra-curricular activities and reading and......... whatever.

Life made sense. There was a reason for being. And things were supposed to continue in that vein....... forever.

I remember hearing, and believing, that we could be or do anything. The only reqirement was working hard enough to see those dreams and wishes realized.
I thought I was spending my life doing just that. Good education, good work ethics, honesty....... basic life values. Never expecting anything for free. You only deserve what you work for..... what you earn.
But that was fine, because then you had reason to be proud of what your efforts brought to you. Hard work and good deeds were supposed to bring........ rewards, satisfaction, happiness, peace, contentment.

The first eighteen years seem like a charmed existence. There were sorrows and sadness, too, though......... people I loved got sick and died. Some were killed in tragic accidents. Many were taken away much too young. Many suffered way too much. Those things were not hidden from me. We were expected to be a part of that element of life also. Caring for sick family members and friends....... being there for them through...... not just until, the end. And then, doing what was needed for the family and friends left behind. Giving comfort to those in need for as long as they needed comfort and assistance was never questioned or resented, it just was.

But those terrible days made me aware....... even as a self-focused teenager.... that life was to be appreciated. I knew there would be no guarantees of a long life, and that it was important to pay attention to all the wonders around me. I grew up grateful, thankful for the life I was living. And, I was always concerned about those who had so much less, suffered so much more. I made plans to do something in my life that would let me help others.

First I chose nursing for my life career. Later, it became education. Noble occupations, both.

Nursing became my first failure. My first taste of fear, disappointment, shame.
While pulling away from that perceived bad choice, I found myself floundering in panic. Quitting school completely was not an option, in my mind, so I began searching for another avenue. Choosing education seemed very logical, especially since my youngest sibling is handicapped. Choosing special education as a career
to help others made perfect sense. Once again I was on my way to "making the world better."

Reality bites...... especially when you take it too seriously. It is much easier and much more pleasant to maintain a small fantasy life. The problem with that?......
I was never able to figure out how to balance fantasy and reality. Reality seems to be necessary for existing in life........... Fantasy seems to be necessary for being happy in life. Cinderella is a fairy tale. And it ends just when reality begins for the rest of us.

So now the self-doubt begins in earnest. Will this second choice be a success?
Or am I fooling myself again and heading for another failure?
I can feel the fear swelling ........taking over my entire being. Gears are jamming.
My brain seems to be shutting down. BUT WHY?

What happened to my intellect? My energy? My motivation? My sense?
Life requires work. So, do it!
Was I somehow losing belief in myself? Was I now doubting everything I had believed in myself because of ONE mistake, ONE disappointment? What happened....... what was so terrible....... that I gave up on life? Was I so, so weak that I could not recover and reclaim my ambition? Could one simple blip in my life make me nose-dive from achiever to loser? Apparently, it could....... and did.

That was the beginning of the fog that became my life. Struggle, give up, run away. Repeat the process......... over....... and over. What a waste.


Lee said...


Is this a journey of self discovery? Self flagellation? Rebirth?

You must first know yourself before you can change those patterns you no longer wish to hold on to. You seem well on your way to self sense the patterns of your life, at least those of the negative. Now, recognize the pattern, and step outside yourself before you continue down the same well worn path.

Mistakes in judgement, large or small, happen. People make bad decisions, bad choices, throughout their life. Some negativity is thrust upon us against our will. It's how you survive those things and what you learn from them that determines where your life goes. You are learning. You obviously recognize the patterns that have come to dominate your life. How and when you will move on from will come from your heart.

Remember, though, that all in your adult life could not have been negative. Find the joy. Remember the pleasures that you've found along the way, and what brought you to those places. Find the pattern.

I wish you luck in your journey.

Lee said...


Noticed you haven't posted in a while...hope everything's okay with you!

As always... Rachael said...

This is so akin to how I've been feeling lately. Here's to hoping we both snap out of it soon!