Sunday, August 31, 2008

I think I forgot...

to mention that work has picked up.
We are back to forty hours for everyone and they
even asked a few of us to work some OT this week.

They are saying this might only last through October
but I'll take what I can get for right now and worry
about later...someday. Maybe.

It's good timing for me. Those short checks were starting
to get a tiny bit painful. Meds can only do so much, ya know.

And...I am working on a new venture. No details right now
because I don't want to jinx it. Silly, perhaps, but I promise
to tell all if it actually gets going and I see good results.

Have a great Sunday.
I hope to have a silly post later today.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Lazy, hazy, crazy haiku...

Sparrow's topic for this week's HAIKU CONTEST is

..............SUMMER...........

sweat, sweat and more sweat.
excuse me, I should have said;
glow, glow and more glow.


Submit your entry by 10 pm Wednesday.

Then you can go outside and play.

UPDATE: vote for your favorite no later than 10 pm Thursday!

Monday, August 25, 2008

I have nothing to complain about...

Mick is in north Florida.
He had eight trees fall and at least two more are
leaning and on their way down. House, luckily, was
missed but the fence is trashed.

He posted pics... go look.

He also posted a map of Gustav, on its way to Haiti
and possibly following the same path as Fay. Dammit.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Sunshine...

.
I'd say the storm is done here. Mostly.
Still breezy and half cloudy but better. Much better.
Florida should be looking like a prune about now.

I need to check on Mick and Joan and some others.
After that, if you need me, I'll be in the yard picking
up sticks. Such fun.

Thanks to all of you who keep checking in here.
Such wonderful friends I have.
I'll try to be back before the weekend is over.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Tropical Storm Abby Normal...

What can you say about a storm that won't go away?
Someone needs to do a reverse rain dance. Srsly.

Last night here was pretty wild. Lots of wind and rain.
Today was somewhat calmer but it never stopped
raining until about an hour ago.
Supposedly, we were in the eye all day today.

It's almost unheard of for a storm to linger over land and
strengthen. Over land is usually when it weakens and
breaks apart. But, noooooooooooo... not Fay.
And, she's only been moving at an average of 3 mph, so
it's taking her foreverrrrrrrrrrrr to get this crap over with.

We're supposed to get the back half of the storm tonight.
More wind and rain. Oh boy.
My neighborhood has actually had less activity than the
surrounding areas.
I work less than five miles from home. They lost two trees
sometime last night. Well, they didn't lose them.
They fell over.
My yard is full of tree trash from the four oaks and I have
some damp spots in the living room ceiling.

Schools are closed tomorrow again. Work goes on unless
tonight is worse than expected. All in all, I'm OK.
Many thanks to all who are keeping tabs on me.
Such sweeties ya'll are.

Now, I'm going to ask that you go to Sparrow's and vote
for the best haiku. Pretty please. Thank you.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

I need to make this quick...

We're having power surges and I'm hearing
transformers exploding in the distance.
Could be a rough night.

In the meantime, write some haikus for Sparrow.

POWER...
You might break my heart.
It will recover stronger.
Can you say the same?

Cut-off time is 10 pm tonight.

I'll be around as I can.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Storm a'comin'...

Looks like we might be getting wet this week.

Mick has a weather map posted of the predicted path.

I'm almost one hundred miles south of him, which also
puts me in that ugly northeast quadrant of the storm
which has the highest winds and the most twisters.

They're only expecting a Category 1 storm, though, which
puts the winds at 74 mph and a bit higher. Not really that
big a deal unless you have lots of tall trees around your house
like Mick does. (Fingers crossed for you, friend.)

Oh. Wait.
I have four very large oak trees in my yard.
Three of which curl over my roof. That could be an oops.

There isn't much to do except stock up on necessities like
canned goods and bottled water. And clear the yard of
anything that might become a projectile in the wind.

It's all a guessing game with a little bit of technology thrown in.
We won't really know until it gets here. Or doesn't.

I probably won't be posting much until I see what's what.
And, I really really really hate that damned phrase the
weather people love to use to death... hunker down.
Stop it already.

UPDATE: Mick just did an 8 pm weather update.
Looks like we'll be fine this time. Probably.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Patriotism...

I found this quote on LL's site...

"Patriotism is not short, frenzied outbursts of emotion,
but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime."
Adlai Stevenson

Then I went to Kat's blog because she embodies the
truth of the quote. Amazing woman.
It's our turn to offer her some support. She is facing
knee surgery and a long recuperation time.
Let her know we care about her as much as she cares
about our country and the soldiers who protect it for us.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

enuffa dat...

Let's do Haiku!

The topic Sparrow picked for this week's contest is: OLYMPICS.

You have until 10 pm tonight to be brilliant.


My entries:

Five rings united.
All eyes of the world watching.
Who is best of best?

*******

Ping pong. Ping pong pong.
Are steroids really needed
for slapping your balls?

UPDATE: Vote for your favorite by 10 pm tonight.

UPDATED UPDATE: Tied for First Place! heh.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Blog space, Part Deux...

(Scroll down to the post below for the first half of this.)


OK, then, where was I? Oh, yeah... therapy, etc.

About six months after being discharged from the first
batch of therapy sessions, I decided that being cranky
wasn't fun. For me or anyone around me.
I called the psychologist and made an appointment.
He professed to being shocked that I was back because he
thought I was doing so well when he ended the first series
of sessions.

You see, even professionals can be fooled if the patient is
adept at saying the right things and acting happy. If the
patient isn't completely honest about their life, thoughts,
moods, attitudes, activities... well, pretending wins awards
for actors, doesn't it? I was very good at pretending and
being very convincing. Up to a point.

So, this time I told the truth. He was obviously shocked.
He said he wanted to refer me to a psychiatrist so I could
be evaluated and prescribed medication. An anti-depressant.
I said no again. He took a deep breath and began a lecture.
Basically, he said that because I had hit such low lows, I was
a danger to myself and if I didn't agree to follow his advice
this time he would take steps to override my objections for
my own good. For my own safety.

He was threatening me with the Baker Act.
I could feel my blood boil. And then I broke down in tears.
I left his office with a referral and a week later I had a Rx for
Paxil. It took almost a month to do its job and clear my head.
It felt like a very, very long month.
He discharged me from therapy after about two months but I
continued to see the psychiatrist every three months until he
released me but said to continue with the meds. I took it
religiously for about five years and did well. Then, I read about
some of the long-term side-effects and began to wean myself
off the drug very slowly. I continued to do well, without the meds,
for almost another five years.

Then the Black Dog started making visits again. Each visit got
a little bit darker and lasted a little bit longer. Damn.

I tried a couple of new therapists. Not much help. buh-bye.
I refused meds with them, too. Can you say denial?

Stop.
I need to jog back a bit. It will make sense, trust me.

Do you remember when I went to the shooting range?
(Go to the March 2007 archives.)
I really did want to learn about shooting a gun and self-defense.
But, there were other reasons.
I had a weird curiosity about wanting to know what my
husband heard when he shot himself in the head. Yeah, weird.
We never had a gun. I'd never held one, let alone shot one.
I did well that one time at the range and I had fun.
I was surprised that no one ever asked me if I ever went back
or if I actually purchased a gun.
I did a lot of serious thinking about owning a gun. I decided that
it was not a good idea for me. Possibly not ever.

You see, I also learned that it was easy. And quick.
It didn't leave any time to change your mind once you put
pressure on the trigger. No room for an oops.
I don't want to do that to myself. Or to anyone who cares about me.
Family or friends. I've been on that side and it sucks.

So, when the demons continued to visit on occasion, I continued
to fight them. I would dodge and weave and hide. But, it got to the
point that all my energy was being taken up with dodging and
weaving and hiding. It started pissing me off.
When I realized that I was pissed damn near all the time, I called
my regular every day doctor. I explained what I wanted and why.
He did not hesitate to comply. Bless him.

I've been on another anti-depressant for a month now.
After two weeks, I realized that I wasn't pissed at the world.
Oh, I still get angry at times but, it's for a good reason and the
feeling passes as it would for anyone else. But, I no longer spend
every waking hour ready to explode. I am rational.
I am beginning to enjoy life again. I have hope again.

I was also terrified that medication would somehow stop me
from writing anything else of any worth. That didn't happen, either.

If you are not snoring by now... thank you.
And thank you all for not giving up on me.

Life is good.
I'm not ready to get off this ride just yet.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Just taking up blog space...

A bit of rambling that may have little to do with anything.

Most of my long-time readers are aware that I have
dealt with depression, off and on, for quite a while.
It took me a long time, some therapy and serious soul
searching on my own to realize that it's been present in my
life for more than thirty years.

Clinical depression is not a choice.
It is not a spoiled brat whining for attention and hoping to be
excused from life responsibilities. Often, it cannot be explained
by life situations or circumstances. However, it can be exacerbated
by stressors. It is often accompanied by feelings of guilt when the
current bout of depression has no clear reason. That can cause a
rather vicious cycle of overwhelming frustration. More guilt.
Deeper depression. Emotional paralysis. Withdrawal from life
activities. Deep sense of inadequacy and hopelessness.
Even a huge lack of physical energy.

This usually goes on for weeks then the mind will begin to clear
and life gets easier. Hope and motivation returns. For a while.
I'm not talking about the horrors of manic depression/bi-polar
rapid extreme cycles. Thank goodness that isn't me.

I was brought up to be strong, independent, self-sufficient, reliable,
never ask for help, take care of my own life... yada, yada, yada.

When I started to make mistakes in some of my life choices,
I was ashamed and rather surprised in my lack of perfection.
Why? FuckifIknow.
For some reason, I, in my naivete/ignorance expected to be
all-the-time happy, smart, productive, successful and loved.
No question. No doubt.
Why? FuckifIknow. Influenced by fairy tales and June Cleaver?

Anyway.

When my husband offed himself (eleven years ago yesterday), that
almost sent me over the edge. But, still I was determined to 'deal'
with all that brought to my life. By myself.
Let's just say that didn't work out very well.
I relented and started looking for help. First, in books about suicide
and depression. Then in a self-help group for people who lost loved
ones to suicide. That succeeded in making me angry, because ya know,
I wasn't like them. Surely, I was stronger and smarter and better...
riiiggghhht. Another perceived failure. Damn it, now what?

Insurance allowed visits with a psychologist. Co-pay was reasonable.
Appointment made, I showed up on time and sopped up a couple of
tissues in the first hour. Boo-hoo. Made another appointment.
After a few weeks, he suggested that I would benefit from medication.
Oh, no no no, says I. I can do this myself. No drugs for this woman.
Therapy continued, I was feeling better, he and I laughed a lot.
He discharged me after several months (when the allotted insurance-
approved visits ran out). I was fine (I thought) for about six months.
The demons returned in full force. I still can't completely grasp why
my employers did not can me, with plenty of good reasons, about a
hundred different times between then... and even now.

Side note: I found out about two years later, after my final final
therapy visit with this psychologist, that his wife had threatened
divorce after finding out that he had had affairs with more than
one of his female patients. I don't remember ever seeing a male
in his waiting room.


This is getting too long for one post. I'll continue in a day or so.

Friday, August 08, 2008

A frequent lurker...

I'm very curious about a lurker who's been visiting
for quite a while. Sometimes they stay for more than
half an hour. It appears that they have read through
all of my archives.

Place of origin is United Arab Emirates, Dubai.

I'd like to know who you are.
Leave a comment or email me at the address in my profile.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

No reason why you can't...

.
It is time for Sparrow's weekly Haiku contest.

Submit your entry by 10 pm tonight.

The topic is: Insecurities.

Not enough, too much.
Not quite right, it never works.
No one fails like me.


Now it's Thursday... go vote.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Blog hang-ups...

Some kind of issue between Exploder and sitemeter
causing blog access problems. Go to Lucy's for more info.

You can also go here Primordial Slack and here Velociworld.